Woo Hoo I’m modelling at Style XL

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

 

This quote pretty much sums up the journey I have been on over the last 12 months.

For so long I have been searching for acceptance from others.

Trying to be the person I believed they wished me to be.

Struggling to be happy being someone I’m not.

It’s took me a long time to realise that the only acceptance I really need is from myself.

If I don’t love me how can I ask others too.

So this is my journey.

I’ve searched my heart to learn more about myself.

What I want in life?

What I want to achieve?

I’ve also had to learn to appreciate the body I have.

It may not be the body of my youth but it has birthed four amazing girls.

Suffered a major assault and now fights the effects of fibromyalgia and spine damage.

So in light of all this it is pretty amazing.

So on this body confidence note

I want to tell you about something I am doing in August.

It’s something I would have never imagined I would ever do again.

On August 2nd  I am modelling as part of a plus sized event called Style xL

cb22b4_db650136a49d4f24bb966355def6be82.jpg_srz_199_186_75_22_0.50_1.20_0.00_jpg_srz

I will be strutting my stuff alongside some beautiful ladies.

I still can’t believe I’m doing this but I am super excited and I know it’s going to be an amazing day.

I am truly thrilled and can’t wait.

Style XL is going to be the Midlands first ever plus size fashion event and it’s going to be amazing.

Organised by Leleicious the event will showcase some of the Plus size brands that exist in the UK.

There will be the opportunity to view the latest trends coming for 2015 and maybe even purchase something awesome from the market stalls.

Showcasing their beautiful clothes are the brands

cb22b4_36c1f65202bd48edb1a80fba596a0961.jpg_srz_187_120_75_22_0.50_1.20_0.00_jpg_srzcb22b4_b4e5f139b6ff4b0f8955b557fab54e58.gif_srz_250_100_75_22_0.50_1.20_0.00_gif_srz

cb22b4_a0e2041a63434465a99df57ece5d1de7.jpg_srz_362_94_75_22_0.50_1.20_0.00_jpg_srz

cb22b4_e97c63c4ba1847b695f162a2b2b367d6.jpg_srz_181_117_75_22_0.50_1.20_0.00_jpg_srz

I am so excited I could burst.

It’s going to be a fantastic event.

I know the beautiful Leah has been working so hard to create this awesome day.

Seriously it’s going to be a truly inspiring day.

Of course if you want to see me conquer my demons and walk that catwalk you do need to come along.

 

Tickets are on sale now.

 

PicMonkey Collagestyle xl

Happy birthday Daddy, 60 Today

Today my dad celebrates his 60th birthday.

I am so excited to spend this special day with him.

I know everyone thinks their dads are amazing but I know my dad is ha ha.

I love my dad with all my heart.

Let me tell you a little about my dad.

He is always there for me and my family.

The endless nights I spent in the hospital with Olivia my dad was a constant visitor. Getting cuddles or holding her hand letting her know Grandad is was for her.

He was always there for her and for me too, especially when I really needed his strength. He was my rock.

Olivia like her sisters loves her grandad. Her eyes used to light up at the sound of his voice.

When the girls perform he is always there. So very proud of his granddaughters. His friends would testify to the pride he has of them. I’m sure they have been made to listen or watch videos of singing performances or Iceskating competitions over and over again.

Yet it’s not just the girls he opens his heart too. My two foster sons both have shared his heart. The man has been covered in vomit and dribble all given in love of course.

My dad is my inspiration. I have watched him work so hard for all he has achieved. I have watched him struggle but always caring for others first.

He Is an amazing man and besides him refusing to stow me away in his suitcase when he holidays at some amazing places I do love him with all my heart.

Happy Birthday Dad here’s to your sixties being full of happiness, laughter and love.

We love you xxx

60th

I can’t breathe

One True Media is closing down and have asked us to download our videos.

Sounds fine doesn’t it.

Just download the videos and you have them for your own.

So that’s what I do but then of course I stop to watch.

Thump

The impact of pain just hits me smack in my stomach.

The video is of my baby girl.

So far away from me.

I want to just reach out through the screen and hold her.

Feel her hand in my hand.

It hurts so bad.

Will it ever stop feeling like a knife in my stomach?

Twisting, turning deeper and deeper.

I want to hold my daughter.

It’s not a lot to ask is it?

I can’t stop the tears as they fall

The gut wrenching sobs seem to echo around my room.

I want my baby.

Missing her is just too damn hard.

It’s not fair and right now I can’t see past the pain.

Grief is like a weight pushing down on my chest.

I cannot breathe

I don’t want to breathe.

Time isn’t a great healer.

Life just sucks

I want my baby back.

Please.

 

 

The Killing Season – Mason Cross

cover41504-medium

 

This book took me a few pages to get used to. The swapping between three perspectives got me a little lost but before long it became second nature.

The book is exciting as it keeps you on the edge of your seat wondering where next the action will happen.

The anticipation is fantastic and I had me not wanting to put the book down as I just couldn’t wait to read what happened next.

Though at times I did wish it would venture more into the back story for two of the characters as I think that could be explored a little more.

The book has intrigue, it has human connection along with murder, mayhem and of course pure greed a perfect recipe for any good thriller.

I really enjoyed the character Blake and can’t wait to learn more about him in future books. He certainly seems to be a man with a story to tell.

A really good read with a realness about it that I admire. Looking forward to more from this author.

This book is released April 24th and for anyone who loves a good adrenaline packed thriller i highly recommend.

*I reviewed it as part of Net Gallery.

 

 

NetGalley_Logo-1

Protecting ourselves

“We discover in ourselves what others hide from us and we recognize in others what we hide from ourselves.”

- Vauvenargues

 

I read this quote yesterday and it really got me thinking. I know I have often been chatting to people and recognised my worries, my fears in theirs.

But do they really see mine in theirs?

Can people really see my heart?

Then I got to thinking about what I hide from myself.

Thats sounds crazy doesn’t it?

How do you hide from yourself?

When we really look deep inside our hearts, our minds we will find thoughts, fears, worries that we are actually trying to hide from ourselves.

I know I do.

Its in the quiet morning hours when I cannot sleep that my mind becomes my greatest nemesis.

Attacking me with thoughts I believed were completely buried.

Its not nice and its never pretty.

 

So why do we hide these things from ourselves?

If we know them shouldn’t we face them and move on?

Its not that easy is it!

We protect ourselves from ourselves.

Now that is crazy.

 

But think about it remember the last time you felt panic.

Somehow you slowly talked yourself calm.

Reminded yourself to breathe.

You protected yourself.

 

So we know we do it but why do we do it?

My answer is simply because we have to.

Life has to go on.

We cannot live in the moment of our emotions all the time.

We have to be mothers and fathers.

We have to be employees or employers.

Wives, husbands, daughters, sons and friends.

We have to move forward.

Some will call it survival

call it life

 

Making a difference for sufferers of IBS

I suffer from a condition called IBS , Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Its not a major talked about condition, I believe people find the subject embarrassing. But as a sufferer it really impinges on my life.

In fact it affects the life of 1 in 5 people in the UK.

It’s one of those conditions that can impact on all of your life. Its also something that I am still trying to control.

So when asked to take a look at Bimuno I was intrigued.

 

Picture 22709

“Bimuno® Intestinal Bifidobacteria Aid (IBAIDi) s a new and convenient way to help maintain intestinal balance and comfort. This unique patented formulation has been specially developed by international experts in digestive health.

 

Bifidobacteria are naturally occurring ‘good’ bacteria, present in the gut, which help maintain gut health. Scientific studies indicate that the unique second generation prebiotic Galacto-oligosaccharide formulation of Bimuno IBAID, helps encourage and sustain a healthy level of these ‘good’ bacteria. By helping to increase and strengthen your Bifidobacteria, you can help to maintain intestinal comfort.

 

I am interested in this as its a prebiotic not a probiotic that means that it doesn’t contain live bacteria it just encourages your own “good bacteria”. Helping maintain a healthy intestinal balance.

Many people really underestimate the effect IBS can have on a person, just take a look at this article and read how this lady was suffering and how much Bimuno changed her life.

I have tried various methods over the last 20 years and after reading the reviews I certainly  think Bimuno is worth a try.

 

 

 

 

 

* This is a sponsored post.

 

Aftershock

Yesterday I had a hospital appointment to discuss a cyst that had been found on my liver. Although my GP was sure it was nothing to worry about she couldn’t rule anything out and wanted me to see a specialist.

I was sure that it was all good but in the back of mind I was doing my normal “what ifs” in full panic mode.

My health hasn’t played fair and I was frightened this would be another knock back.

Thankfully the specialist isn’t to worried she is sending my ultrasound for a second opinion but that’s just to be thorough. Liver functions are all good and I only need to just keep my diet healthy as most of us do.

So why now after the appointment and good news am I feeling so freaked out?

My husband believes because I was pretending I wasn’t worried that the relief is actually a counter shock and that’s why I’m so emotional.

An aftershock

Sounds about right.

I guess you go through life knowing about cancer and liver disease but you just pray it’s never going to happen to you. So when a GP has to mention it you find yourself tumbling into worst case scenarios.

Yesterday my tumbling got stopped and I’m truly grateful for that.

But it has also been a good reminder that I need to take care of myself.

My healthy diet has been slipping recently due to being so busy I need to work on this. Keep to my swimming sessions and generally take better care of myself.

I was lucky this time and I won’t take that for granted.

An aftershock or a warning shock ?

Sometimes you have to fight to be happy.

Someone once told me that “happiness is a choice”.

I’m not sure if I fully grasped at the time what they meant but over the last five years I have had to choose.

Choose to be happy. 

You see emotions are like waves, sometime’s they can be calm and peaceful.

Yet at moments they can be raging against the elements, wild and unforgiving.

waves

 

Grief especially is a whirlpool.

It tries it’s hardest to suck you down into the depths of despair.

So I have had to fight.

Fight to be happy.

And you know what thats ok.

I’ve learned a great lesson in life

That happiness isn’t a given.

You have to look for it

At times you really have to search for it.

You have to remind yourself that darkness is only the absence of light.

So you have to look for that light.

I call that light hope.

I find the light in my children’s laughter.

Listening to their plans and dreams for the future.

It’s there in memories that I hold dear to my heart.

Never forgetting the strength and courage of the one I have lost.

I find my light in the knowledge that life is for living.

That I have to make each moment count.

It’s there in the promise that one day I will hold my daughter again.

Sometimes life gets does get hard and I find myself fighting against the waves.

Frightened that I’m drowning.

But I still search for the light.

The promise of a new day.

The chance to make another memory.

I remind myself that although the whirlpool will never leave me.

I don’t have to let it consume me.

Keep swimming

Ride the waves

Tomorrow is always a chance for hope.

tomorrow

Choose happiness 

 

 

 

I won’t apologise for writing about disability.

I had a message the other day regarding how often I post regarding a disability issue and I wasn’t sure how to take it.

To be honest at first I was rather cross but then I thought back to before Olivia was born.

I knew nothing about disability.

I had a disabled cousin but besides the occasional visit I really wasn’t affected by it.

Never really had to think about it.

Then I realised “that’s it.”

Unless we live it or someone close to us does we really haven’t a clue.

Why should we?

I don’t mean to be trivialise it but I know nothing about space engineering as it doesn’t effect my life.

So why should be people whose life isn’t effected by disability understand it?

So I guess what I’m trying to say is this.

I do understand why people may be a little tired of me posting about disability.

Yet I won’t apologise for it.

Because disability does now affect my life and has done from the moment my beautiful daughter was born.

It was a complete shock to me and I found myself immersed in a world that I knew nothing about.

It was scary.

Though one of the biggest issues I faced was other people.

The lack of awareness made for some hurtful moments.

Ignorant comments and so much more.

 

It wasn’t always negative though a lot of people wanted to understand.

They wanted to learn more so they could help us more.

Still personally the real issue i faced was the isolation.

Not knowing where to turn to for advice and support.

I write in hope that maybe one post will help someone feel less alone.

 

So yes I have been writing about disability a lot but that is my life.

And the truth is I didn’t choose it but I love it.

When Olivia died it would have been easy for us to leave the disability world.

To go back to having a normal life and never thinking of medical appointments, wheelchairs or anything to do with special needs.

But we couldn’t.

This life had become our kind of normal.

The children and the families i met because my child had a disability had become my friends, my family.

Caring for a disabled child became my vocation.

My choice.

So yes I write about disability and I always will do.

Simply because it is my life.

 

disability

I can’t and won’t apologise for that.