Dear Kennedy, when your daughter goes to university.

Dear Kennedy 

I can’t believe that we dropped you off at university yesterday.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel. 

Its been a rocky road the last few months a lot of arguments and clashes. 

I guess its the normal teenage desires to be an adult fighting with the mothering instinct to keep you safe.

I have jokingly said I couldn’t wait for this moment but I was wrong. 

It was harder than I imagined.

Driving away from the university leaving you behind was awful.

It honestly felt as if i was losing control.

I guess I am.

From the moment I gave birth the instinct to protect you was paramount. 

Every decision I make is about keeping you safe.

Now I have to let you go and just pray that i have raised you well and that you will keep  yourself safe.

Arrrahhhh its hard.

Harder than I imagined.

Kennedy you are my first born, everything I have learned about being a mom has come from you first.

The sleepless nights, the endless feeding to the stroppy teenage tantrums and the “ I know betters”.

Enjoy this next stage in your life sweetheart.

Grab every opportunity and live life to the full.

At times you have drove me to distraction but I am so proud of you baby girl.

You have wanted to be a history teacher for so long and now you are on the first step towards your dream.

Work hard and have fun.

Know that although we are a distance away you are never far from my thoughts.

May this be your stepping stone to your dreams.

Love you to the moon, stars and back again.

Be safe 

Mom xxx

 

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Don’t hide away.

When my daughter died I spent a lot of hours (still do) looking at photographs and the one thing that struck me hard was that I was barely in any of them. In fact I had maybe one or two with me in them with Livvy.

To be honest I wasn’t surprised but I was angry.

Angry at myself.

You see it hadn’t happened over night this camera shy behaviour of mine. From my teen years I have shied away every time anyone got a camera out.

I just hated how I looked, it was as simple as that.

It wasn’t always because of my weight because even as a size 8 I still hated seeing myself in a photo.

Yet as the weight went on so did my resolve to become the photographer never the model.

Having beautiful children was the perfect excuse, I wanted to capture them not me.

So then I found myself with no shared memories of me and my beautiful girl.

I had lived them but I had nothing to remind me.

It hurt.

It hurt like hell.

I wanted to remember the laughter we felt when we twirled her on the ice.

The daily messes we got into at meal times.

I had her smiles to see but I wanted to see my smile and remember my joy from that moment.

Our togetherness.

It hurt and I was so angry that I had let vanity or maybe shame rob me of these memories.

So it was at this point I decided I couldn’t allow myself to be lost from all memories. I didn’t want my girls to ask where I was when they look back in years to come. I wanted a reminder for them of who I was and what I looked like and how crazy we could be together.

It wasn’t easy to step from behind the lens but it was one best things I have ever done.

Don’t get me wrong I still cringe a few times when I see my double chin but I can look past that now and see the memory that was formed.

The moment that was shared.

In fact my girls laughed at me the other day for taking what they called “yet another selfie”. They speak the truth beyond this journey of memory making I have learned to love who I am. My body has birthed four amazing girls. It has carried so many children on it’s hips. It too holds it’s own memories.

It’s also the only one I have and yes while there are bits I would love to change I do finally like most of it.

Stepping in front of the camera scared me silly but I am so thankful that I did.

Life is different now, I have less regrets.

I take chances regardless of how far from my comfort zone they are and I have been rewarded with so many new and amazing memories. I’ve also met so many incredible people too just by being less afraid.

I wish I could go back and tell that gawky teen to love herself a little more.

I wish I could tell that new mom to capture those moments with her precious child.

I cannot go back but I can tell all you out there.

Don’t hide who you are.

Photobomb snapshots.

Fill your Instagram feed.

Jump into the scenery and make those memories.

Because

One day they will be the most precious gift you could give yourself.

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Style picks

Yes I know it’s not Sunday, I was attacked by the evil flu and spent most of Sunday wiping my nose and trying to breathe, asthma sucks.

 

Anyway I couldn’t go a week without showing you my fashion choices for the week.

First up I have to tell you this week I have fell in love.

When I came across this jacket from Curvissa, that was it love at first sight.

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Then off to Fashion World we go for this truly beautiful Alice and You Printed Oriential dress. There are no words needed really this is just perfection.

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Last but not least when I am not fighting the flu I do love to hit our local pool and my swimsuit isn’t looking as good as it used to so the search has started for its replacement.

I just love this again from FashionWorld. 

 

Its Sea by Melissa Odabash. It’s a classic swimsuit but the style just really caught my eye. I think the lines are simply stunning.

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There you go better late than never, my fashion picks for the week.

 

Don’t forget just click the pics for the links.

 

 

Wedding guest style.

Last Saturday I was blessed to attend the wedding of two amazing people. A couple who we have only know for a year or so but have really become part of our hearts.

So as the day was so special i went into the normal panic of what to wear.

But thanks to some great advice via twitter from the beautiful Nikki i finally found a outfit.

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I loved this goregous skater dress from ASOS  it was just perfect for the church and afternoon tea.

I wore it with my  New Look Bow Ballet pumps which are so comfortable and also so pretty.

I love this dress and will be wearing it often, excited to wear it with tights and biker boots through the colder seasons.

 

I decided to change it up a little in the evening.

evening outfit

 

My top is an old one from ASOS and i’m wearing my new favourite jeans Chloe from Simply Be and my new Catwalk  Cowboy boots 

 

So there you go my wedding outfit.

 

The whole day was truly wonderful and I wish the happy couple a life full of love and laughter.

Coming down with a bang after Plus North

It’s been over a week now since Plus North and I have come down to earth with a bang.

I have been watching all the photos from the event going online and I am so cross at myself.

I hid behind my husband.

I look at the ladies all taking selfies together in groups chatting, laughing and I know I let myself down.

Why do I always shy away from friendships?

Oh come on

I know why.

I just don’t feel good enough.

I’m sorry I don’t mean this to be a woe me kind of post.

More Sara you are a stupid so so kind of post.

Why do I let the past control my future?

The evil lies that I was told still be my truth.

I was so determined to go to plus north and really engage in friendship. But I saw beautiful amazing women and I felt inferior.

I hate that I feel this way.

It’s so much more than just plus north. It’s me generally.

I am so very lonely and hate that I do this to myself.

Honestly I am my own worst enemy.

Am I beyond hope?

Style on Sunday

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I absolutely love this Black and White Monochrome Block skater dress from Yours Clothing. Its just so stylish and so right now.

 

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I have a lot of business events coming up and while they are quite casual I do think a smart blouse adds a little chic to the day.

This blouse from Fashion World is perfect, dress it up with trouseurs or smart casual with my skinny jeans.

 

 

 

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I love these boots from Simply Be. They are perfect combination for me. Style and comfort. I need.

 

So there my style picks for this week.

The new season styles are certainly making an impact.

I cannot wait.

Tweet with kindness or don’t tweet at all.

I must admit that the last week or so i have been glued to my chair watching the antics of the housemates in “Celebrity Big brother” while I have no interest in the counterpart “Big Brother” there is something about the celebrity version that has me hooked.

 

It’s just the inquisitiveness part of me that just wants to know what these people are really like. The truth not just what we read or hear about them in the media.

 

So when I heard that Deirdre Kelly aka white dee was entering the house i was so excited i could have wet myself.

 

Since Benefit Street was shown I have loved this lady. While others saw a benefit scrounger I saw a lady with so much compassion.

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I really admired her courage entering into the big brother house not knowing how she was going to be received.

 

I also knew that finding herself on show could have really affected her depression but give it up for the lady she wants to better life for her and her children so she walked up those famous steps.

 

I have loved watching the show, there are characters i am already loving to hate, James for one. Honestly if that man says “let me explain how it was” once more i may scream and surprise ones that i have taken to my heart, George for example. But the front runner and still my favourite is Mrs Kelly.

 

I love that lady.

 

So imagine my disgust to come across tweets laughing at her sadness that was shown on last nights episode.

 

The lady may or may not ( I can’t speak for her) seems to be finding herself on a roller coaster of emotions. Missing her kids, wondering how she got there and generally fighting the evil of depression.

 

I have seen tweets finding this funny.

 

Tweets accusing her of faking it for the money

 

And the worst ones saying that depression is the biggest con of all time.

 

I wonder what is going wrong in this world when people can say such things.

 

Why do some thing its ok to tweet such vileness?

 

Tweet with kindness it won’t kill you.

 

 

I only hope that Dee’s children are not reading such crap and are watching the television being super proud of their mom.

 

I think the world needs an education regarding depression, I have heard it quoted as “rich persons syndrome’. “Benefit scam” and a lot worse.

 

Depression is a devastating illness which can and does rob life from many.

 

As for those tweeters i hope everyone unfollows you and that way you can stay being sad and horrid in your own little world.

 

While i believe and advocate for the freedom of speech I do not believe that people need to be so cruel.

 

It’s not just about Big Brother its about so much more.

 

The fact that we have so many turning to social media to breed hate rather than love.

 

It’s just wrong.

 

As for me I will be ignoring such crap and will be rooting for Dee to win Celebrity Big Brother and hope that the millions of viewers get to see what I see, one damn fine lady.

 

I will also being trying to share love and kindess from now on.

 

 is my new motto.

 

 

There is only one stage for me.

September has begun and i am simply a mess.

 

It could be holiday blues.

 

It could be just plain exhaustion.

 

Or it could be that I’m just so very p*ssed off.

 

Yesterday was the first day of the new school year and it should of been the day that Livvy started Year 11.

 

Its crazy to think my baby would have been 16 next year, when the truth is she didn’t get to see double figures.

 

I don’t know how to feel right now.

 

Anger

 

Grief

 

Numb

 

Its a variety of emotions that seem to move with the wind.

 

I close my eyes and I try so hard to imagine Livvy as a teenager.

 

What would she be like?

 

Would she still be the little rock chick, dancing her heart out to Guns n roses.

 

Or would she have continued down the road she started with her love of skulls and all things gothic.

 

I imagine her sitting in her chair in Dr Martens, or maybe Converse.

 

I just don’t know.

 

 

 

It’s breaking me apart right now.

 

The not knowing what she would be like.

 

The not getting the chance to make those memories.

 

I was robbed of my baby girl.

 

She was robbed of her future

 

And its just not blooming fair.

 

Denial

 

Anger

 

Bargaining

 

Depression

 

Acceptance

 

The five stages of grief,

 

What a joke.

 

Stages are something you work through.

 

You finish one and then move on.

 

I’m not moving on.

 

I miss my daughter so much.

 

For me there is only one stage of grief

 

Simply heartbroken.

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What a weekend – Plus North

It’s hard to believe that its now over a year ago that i started my journey of self discovery.

Learning to love my body curves and all.

It was at Plus North 2013 that it  finally hit home that woman can be beautiful in all shapes and sizes.

So it was amazing to be back at this event and even more exciting to be modelling along side the ladies I had admired.

The weekend was rather fun.

I got to spend some quality time with my hubby.

Meet up with some old friends and get to make some new ones too.

I also enjoyed quite a few vodka’s as well.

The event was fashion fun, I loved checking out the coming seasons clothes from plus sizes brands.

But the highlight was walking for Topsy Curvy.

I love this fashion range they offer fashionale affordable clothing.

I also love the ladies behind the range, their one desire is for women to look good and feel good about themselves.

What more can we ask for?

 

Now I’m home, shattered and back to real life.

 

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Style on Sunday

After a week of camping I am feeling the cold so I think my first choice is perfect for the coming weather.

From the So Fabulous range with Very.

I love this jacket.

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Being a bag addict my second choice is a little cutie from Next.

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My third choice is a dress I have had my eye on for a while.

A beauty from the Claire Richards collection for Fashion World.

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and of course a girl needs shoes to match.

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So there is my choices for this weeks, Style on Sunday.