Forgotten photograph

Last night I fell apart.

I truly just sobbed and sobbed.

I cried until I couldn’t breathe.

I was angry

I was broken.

I found myself screaming at God

The crazy thing is that nothing had happened.

Well nothing major.

I just came across a forgotten photograph of Livvy.

One that I hadn’t seen in such a long time.

You see I had uploaded it to a photo printing site that I don’t use that often, but a discount email spurred me into a visit.

As I scrolled through photos of my foster son there right at the beginning was a few that I must have uploaded over 7 years ago.

There was her sweet beautiful face.

Just looking out at me.

For just one precious moment she felt so close.

Then reality struck and I realised she was completely out of reach.

I catch my breathe as I write that. The physical pain of her missing tightens like a noose on my heart.

Grief is a funny old journey. No thats not the truth there is nothing funny about it.

It destroys you, it slowly epps away the person you were before the loss and leaves you with a shadow of what was once.

Your heart is never the same.

I needed to cry last night.

I needed to allow myself the freedom to grieve.

To drop the facade and allow myself to feel.

Being brave is hard.

Being strong is exhausting.

You cannot live in the world of pretence forever.

I’m not ok.

I never will be.

My heart is broken.

My soul aches for my daughter.

My arms are empty.

A part of me is forever missing.

child loss, grief, memories, missing, pains, photograph, tears

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Posted on January 30, 2015

Weekly wishlist

Here are my stylish picks for this week.

I love this checked jacket from Simply Be you can dress in up and down.

This Lovedrobe monochrome contrast tunic from Evans is just perfect for the new seasons style. Bold and stylish.

These Black Jacquard trouseurs from Elvi are a must have for anyone’s wardrobe and I so want them. Great for both, work and play. I would wear these with a blouse for for daytime and dress up with a little sparkle for the evening.

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Posted on January 29, 2015

Giving thanks

I have decided to join in this week with Michelle’s at Mummy from the Heart new linky “Give thanks Thursday”.

Being thankful reminds me to appreciate all that I have and the people that bless my life.

So here’s my post for Giving thanks this week.

My daughter found out this week that she was a finalist in the Mayor Civic Awards, yes I am grateful for this news but I am most thankful for my daughter. She is such a light in my life, so caring and so helpful. She is struggling a little at the moment due to teenage issues and societies expectations. I am thankful for who she is her heart is so big and her soul is so caring. What more can a mom ask for!

I am really grateful this week for the Doctors and nurses I have come in contact with. This week I have had to have my 6 monthly check up for my condition and again the support and encourage I had was amazing. Even thankful for the forceful X-ray technician and my bruises because of the great NHS my condition is managed. Appointment went well but I do accept the need to eat a little more healthier.

My last reason for gratitude is my new bed, we have struggled with a broken bed for the last few weeks and yesterday thankfully we purchased a new one and hopefully this will make for more comfortable nights sleep. Now if we can have a new oven all would be perfect.

Give Thanks Thursday at Mummy from the Heart

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Posted on January 22, 2015

Modcloth Layering with style

The weather has certainly changed, its sooo cold, but having to wrap up warm doesn’t mean we can’t do it in style.

I find that I’m not great with big thick jumpers etc I prefer to layer my outfit so I stay warm but I can strip off easily when I need too. I have hot flushes thanks to medication so layers is the way for me.

Modcloth has some amazing layers that allow me to stay warm but express my own style too.

Below is my perfect winter’s day outfit.

I love this long sleeve cardigan its cheerful and funky and reminds me so much of minnie the minx that I had to love it. Modcloth do have an amazing range of cardigans I want one or maybe three of them.

My second layer would be this beautiful lace top anyone who knows me knows how much I love lace. This top makes me feel a little victorian and that so good. It’s a little gothic which is sooo me.

My third and bottom layer is a basic knit top which is a must have wardrobe essential. Basic but lovely.

I have finished my outfit off with a this gorgeous Bohemian bag, why simply why not it’s beautiful.

Modcloth make looking good so easy. Their clothes are so fun and stylish.

Long sleeve cardigan
£43 – modcloth.com

Long sleeve lace top
£30 – modcloth.com

Knit top
£16 – modcloth.com

Bohemian bag
£46 – modcloth.com

beautiful, beauty, body conf, body confidence, curvy, curvy fashion, Plus size, plus size bloggers, plus size fashion, style

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Posted on January 20, 2015

Feeling reflective

Sometimes we have to accept that life isn’t going to go according to plan.

That people aren’t going to stay in your life even if you want them to.

Life moves on, circumstances change and people grow apart.

This doesn’t mean you feel any ill will or wish any harm.

It’s just the acceptance of the ever evolving crazy thing we call life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and what I want for it.

Devising my plans, aims and goals.

Yet as always as I look forward I to find myself looking back.

Being reflective isn’t a bad thing it helps you understand your journey and how you got to where you are now.

But allowing the past to hold your future to ransom is never a good thing.

So today I am being reflective.

I am sending out love and thanks to those I have met along the way.

I am also aching a little (a lot) for those that are missing.

But I am stepping forward.

Stepping into the great exciting place we call the future.

Excited for the journeys I have yet to take

For the people I have yet to meet

and of course for the memories I have yet to make.

changing, dreams, future, goals, happiness, hopes, laughter, life, love, past, People, reflection

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Posted on January 18, 2015

The best Christmas gift that wasn’t for me.

I have been so lucky this Christmas with some amazing presents. Yet my favourite gift was not one of mine, but it was one that really blessed my heart.

You see every Christmas my aunt and uncle sends gift envelopes for my girls. It is something they and I are completely grateful for. Also whichever foster child joins our family will also find themselves with a envelope with their name on Christmas morning.

This is so lovely and so appreciated,
Yet it’s isn’t these envelopes that really warm my heart.

It is the one that has still carried on coming every christmas for Livvy.

The sweet envelope with my beautiful daughters name is what makes my Christmas Day.

Knowing that she isn’t forgotten.

It’s a just little envelope that holds so much more than the money inside it.

More than the flowers the money will buy.

Losing a child is unbearable the shock comes first but then you are left with a lingering agonising pain.

It’s the pain of watching people move on with their lives that twists deep into your heart.

They move on without her.

I cannot bear the thought that Livvy will be forgotten and yes it’s something that causes such a panic within my heart.

So when this envelope comes along I am so grateful that my aunt and uncle are just taking a little time to say, “she isn’t forgotten”.

That for me is the best present ever.

Thank you Auntie & Uncle

blessed, child loss, Christmas, family, grief, pain, remembering

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Posted on January 14, 2015

#youarefab

I absolutely hate any form of confrontation and will go out of my way not to upset others. Yet when I see people hurt others or generally be rude and disrespectful I can become a mother hen in psycho mode.

So this weeks fat shaming television programmes and Twitter status’s have really wound me up. I mean from she who should never be named to Lord Sugar what is the world coming too.

Yet even I couldn’t believe it when I read that Steve Miller had suggested a tell a friend they are fat day. I mean his bio states him to be motivational, seriously WHAT.

Completely shocked at this I just didn’t know how to respond besides maybe suggesting his friends had a #tellyourfriendSteveheisaprat day.

Thankfully Rivkie editor at Slink Magazine responded in a more professional and helpful way. Teaming up with fashion blogger Kate London James they proposed the campaign #youarefab.

“Encouraging both men and women (of any size) to tell a friend why they’re great and why they value and respect them, instead of thinly veined attempt to harm their confidence.”

#youarefab

How awesome is this.

As a mom of three teenage girls I have watched the damage the word fat can cause. The perception that fat means unhealthy is so wrong, healthiness and size can vary in so many ways. The rising of such unhealthy stereotypes and bias’ in the younger generation is leading to higher levels of eating disorders, self harm and mental health issues.

As Rivkie states”A persons size does not, without consideration of other factors determine someones health. This campaign is not only an open invitation for bullying, but scientifically flawed due to Miller’s refusal to take into consideration the numerous factors that determine our health. If Miller’s concern was real, would he not have be better placed running a #letsgetfit campaign”

I’m not sure if Steve Miller is following the principal of any publicity is good publicity but again seriously!

Life should be about building people up not tearing them down. Steve are you also telling your friends that drink or smoke to change their lifestyles or is it just fat people you don’t like or you can make money from?

Anyway I just want to say thank you Rivkie and Kate because my social media feed has been alive today with such friendship and compassion. You have taken a campaign that could have destroyed many and turned it to one that has uplifted more.

So today take to your social media platforms and use the hashtag #youarefab to tell your friends how much you love and admire them.

I know I will be. xxx

beautiful, beauty, body conf, body confidence, comapassion, curvy, curvy fashion, fat shaming, friendship, Plus size, plus size bloggers, plus size fashion, style

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Posted on January 7, 2015

My word for 2015

So as we start the new year I have been thinking a lot about the word I wish to lead me through the next 365 days.

The word that will represent all my hopes and prayers for 2015.

It isn’t easy finding one word which fits all your plans and ideas.

Still after thinking hard for a while I am going to go with the word.

2015 is going to be my year of dreams.

This is a big step out of the ordinary for me.

You see I have never really allowed myself to dream.

Broken promises, painful situations and a lot of disappointment made me believe that dreams were for others and not for me.

It was something I accepted as just life.

I could hope but I couldn’t dream.

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day.

Of the children she would have or career she would achieve.

Anxiety and disbelief stole away my dreams.

I cannot get excited for an event or a holiday until I am actually there and as for promises, well maybe we shouldn’t go there.

But this year is going to be different.

I am going to allow myself to dream and I’m going to see my dreams fulfilled.

I am going to dream that I can and will achieve my goals.

I will attend university.

I will move forward with this blog.

I will further my writing career.

I will put myself forward more.

I will look in the mirror and like what i see.

I will believe in me.

2015 you are my year to dream.

Its scary but it’s time.

Posted on January 1, 2015

As the year comes to an end…..

So its the end of another year.

A lot has happened in the last 365 days.

I became the parent to all teenagers

Then a few months later I became the parent of an adult. (crazy)

I also then had to wave the said adult off as she left for university

It has truly been a crazy year, at times it has felt my feet have barely touched the ground.

We are still fostering a handsome young man with special needs and he is certainly keeping us on our toes.

Livvy’s Smile is doing well, we have held some fantastic memory making days and been busy fundraising. We have also had our story featured in a weekly woman’s magazine.

Personally I have had my writing published in a book and also walked the catwalk as a plus size model.

It’s honestly been a go go year.

As I wave 2014 goodbye I do so with two emotions.

Pride and exhaustion.

Proud of all we have achieved.

Exhausted, well simply by achieving all we have achieved.

I am super excited for 2015 though.

I have so many hopes for this forthcoming year.

In September I start at university, this is something I have dreamed of for such a long time and I cannot tell you how excited I am.

I’m also modelling again at Style XL and have a couple of photo shoots already lined up.

We may be adding another foster child to our family, and the girls are still trying hard to drive me completely insane.

So yes 2015 I am looking forward to you.

But while I am not making any new year resolutions I am making myself some promises.

Firstly I’m going to learn how to take time for myself.

Allowing myself space to breath, stop feeling guilty about wanting time out.

Also working on my health and fitness, continue with my swimming and working on my diet, as in healthy food not weight loss (not that I wouldn’t mind shifting a pound or twenty). I’m also going to try and stop stressing about things i cannot change and stop letting others have power over me. Anxiety has had me for the last 38 years, no more.

Secondly I’m going to work harder on my marriage.

It’s so easy after 19 years of being with the same man to take him for granted. To take each other for granted. I want to work on cherishing each other, spending quality time together and having fun. Reminding my husband that I still love every inch of him and that i find him sexier now than ever.

Thirdly Im going to work on believing in myself more.

For too long I have let myself down, rejected compliments or turned away opportunities because I didn’t believe I could do them.

This next year is going to be different.

I am a bright, intelligent woman and I am going to embrace all that I am. Negativity and self disbelief can stay in 2014 where it belongs.

This woman is going places.

Fourthly I’m going to have fun and make more memories.

This year I want to be more spontaneous and just enjoy the moment.

Let go and just take each day as it comes.

Play more with the kids and generally try not to stress as much as I do.

So there you go, my 2015 promises to myself.

Still before this year comes to an end i want to thank all my readers for the support that they have given me.

Blogging has afforded me many opportunities but the greatest of all these has been the people I have connected with in real life and here in the virtual world.

Your comments, emails, tweets have all lifted me when I was low.

Inspired me when I was lost and loved me when I was lonely.

I started blogging in 2008 for different reasons than I write now, but as always in 2015 this blog will be my heart.

What you read is simply who I am.

Heart on my sleeve

Words on the page.

So with that I would like to say…….