I’ve been feeling lost the last few months. The groups, tribes I belong to are changing and in doing so is my identity.

Who am I?

9 years ago I entered a group I wasn’t prepared for.

One that scared me.
One I didn’t want to enter.

I entered the world of Rett syndrome.

Yet being part of this world brought me fear an pain but it also blessed me with friendships and faith.

I was mom who found herself lost in an unknown world.

Yet by being lost I got found.

By being scared I found courage.

And In weakness I found my strength.

Together with my family we faced moments that took our breathe away with joy, but also moments that broke our heart with pain.

Yet as a member of this tribe I belonged.

Now I don’t !

It is said once a Rett mom always a Rett mom but is that true?

A community that I belonged whole hearted to, seems to be moving on without me.

Of course my friends are still my friends, but do I really walk alongside them anymore?

I just don’t know!

Can you stay part of a group if life changes.

I don’t know,

While my heart and soul prays desperately and faithfully for the cure of Rett syndrome, my heart aches that it’s to late for Livvy.

Is this evil of me?

I think it’s this that is tearing me up inside If I’m honest.

The barriers I’m forming may be built on the fact that I hate that I feel this way.

It’s not that I begrudge the cure gosh NO. I sincerely pray and hope to see all released from the torture of Rett syndrome and will continue to do all that I can to make this cure happen.

I’m just angry it’s too late for Livvy.

I’m cross that I’m not part of this group anymore.

I’m missing my baby and my life as her mother.

Where do I belong now?

I came across this article yesterday and to be honest it has left me shock.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2145534/Teach-year-olds-dangers-sexting-expert-warns.html

The idea of teaching 5 years olds about sexting appalls me.

A) Five year olds should never be unsupervised while using the Internet

B) Five year olds should never be unsupervised whilst using a mobile phone

C) Both of the above.

At five years old children should be playing with dolls or toys cars. NOT mobile phones or the Internet.

Maybe I’m alone in this thinking but if a teacher had tried to tell my daughters about sexting at five I would have pulled her out of school.

The thing is its not going to just stop at “please don’t send naughty or rude texts to your friends” it’s going to open up the whole concept of sex at such a young age.

While I am all for sexual education at an older age, at five years old no way. This is what the first year of primary school, way to young. Totally inappropriate.

The truth is the education shouldn’t be aimed at the five year old children, it should be aimed at the parents. It is there the responsibility lies.

As parents we need to allow our children to be children this is what we should be protecting.

CHILDHOOD

That’s it I can’t take it any more!

You are relentless

Invading my mind, my sleep, my dreams

Enough is enough

I know you have a job to do but come on!

A girl needs her rest, her peace.

Constantly watching the seconds, haven’t you ever heard of live and let live.

Each morning you are the first thing in my mind.

Its a curse that I hate you but need you.

You blasted thing.

I will name this foe of mine

My enemy

Let me introduce

Mr Alarm clock.

*yes he is a man, how do I know?
He is constantly annoying ha ha

Seriously I’m beginning to believe my children are out to get me.

I have this image of them huddling together each morning discussing ways to drive me insane. I wonder if it’s 10 points for a raised voice, 20 for a scream and tears well that’s a bulls-eye.

I don’t really believe this for a minute. I am rather blessed with amazing children. Just sometimes I wonder if God really planned for us to survive this thing we call parenthood.

The truth no matter how many parenting books you read or how many episodes of Super Nanny you watch being a parent is blooming hard.

I mean what’s with this growing up thing! Let’s be honest we are all living longer so wouldn’t it be fair to allow our children to be kids a little longer. When did 11 year old’s become too old for dolls and why do 15 year old’s have to have boyfriends?

I know, I know, the problem isn’t with them it’s with me. I’m having the common issue of overprotective parenting. I’m scared of them growing up.

They are changing so quick,  forming their own identities, each so very different but totally awesome.

I  do love this, I love watching them find themselves, but in their own discovery I’m realizing that they need mom a little less.

I feel like I’m on fast forward and I want to hit rewind.

I’m not finding it easy at all (can you tell?). My role in their life is changing and I’m not sure I’m ready to stand back.

Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother.  A child is a child.  They get bigger, older, but grown?  What’s that suppose to mean?  In my heart it don’t mean a thing.  ~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

Ok, ok,I’m trying to calm myself down and i’m getting there just slower on the adjustment than they are.

Yes my eldest has a boyfriend who in fact is a great young man, I’m coping.

My second born has decided that she wants to grow old surrounded by a thousand cats, I’m coping

My little one is now only now talking in an American accent with a hand on her hip, I’m coping JUST

Changing but I’m getting there.

I’ve been known to say God was being ironic when he gave this tomboy four girls. I’ve never got that girlie way but I’m learning. Each one of my kids are teaching me in their own unique way. 

Being a mom has changed me more than words could ever express, love, joy, heartache and pain I’m living it all.

And while I may take a quick nosey around their bedrooms for that scoreboard I do love being a mom.

Yes it’s pretty awesome, well close to awesome as it gets when one is trying to survive the teenage years.

Again I have been lucky enough to receive a book from book-sneeze to review. I love that I get to combine my passion of reading and writing.

Anyway to the book in question,

Daily Gifts of Grace, devotions for each day of your year. Authored by the Women of Faith. Published by Thomas Nelson.

Contributors include Joni Eareckson Tada, Lisa Whelchel, Jenna Lucado, Sheila Walsh, Kim Cash Tate, Patsy Clairmont, Natalie Grant, Lisa Harper, and others.

My first impression of  this book was that presentation wise it is simply stunning. The beauty of the cover design and the layout really wowed me. It was like a little treasure trove just waiting for me to open.

The content of the book is exactly what it states it to be, daily devotional stories from members of the Woman in faith team. They are real life feelings and thoughts and stories which are uplifting and inspirational.

It is a book that I would gladly give as a gift as a gentle reminder for women that God is good and even when life throws you things that are hard to face, God is by your side. 

 A book filled with daily moments of grace. It gives you a moment of reflection and a chance to take five minutes out from the daily chaos we call life.

It is a easy read book which at times did make you think but  its not for serious devotional time or bible time  as for me I feel it doesn’t go deep enough. 

So in conclusion, Daily gifts is a beautiful book that  offers a gentle reminder of God’s amazing grace.

* I did receive this book free for the purpose of the above review. All opinions are my own.

So today is my first time linking up with Gypsy Mama’s five minute friday. Todays writing challenge word is Identity. 

So often I wonder about my identity.

Who am I? 

Yet as I look at my  beautiful daughters I see my truth.

In the stubborn tilt of my eldest chin I see who I am.

In the wildness of my second born’s hair I see who I am.

In the mischievous way of my third ones smile I see who I am.

In the deep blue thoughtfulness of my last babies eyes I see who I am .

I  am a wife , I am a daughter these are all roles I have to play.

Yet in my daughters I see my greatest role. 

A creator

A MOTHER. 

Ok,  this blog post has been a few days late in coming it has been delayed for two reasons.

Firstly I’m ill, Ive been struck down with a vile ear and throat infection which is having a field day with both my balance and my asthma. Just looking at my macbook screen for more than five minutes has left me feeling really nauseous. So of course I am feeling really sorry for myself and begging sympathy from all. 

Secondly and my main reason for not writing is that I have simply been in SHOCK. Yes the capital letters version of it, major.  When I received the email that I was a finalist in the Brilliance in Blogging awards I was completely and utterly gobsmacked. I made my husband read the email for me to double check and  also check the website too but yes there in the Inspire category was Walking with Angels, how blooming amazing is that.

I can not tell you how genuinely surprised I was to see this blog there.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am totally bias; I love my blog, I love that it is a place I can open my heart and let the words pour out onto the pages. I love that it has brought me into contact with people world wide and I really adore that people have followed my journey through these pages as I have faced the loss of Livvy and my adjustment to life being so very different. The encouragement and support I have received has been incredible and so uplifting for me. I guess I’m  just surprised that you guys love it too enough to nominate and vote for me. Surprised but so very pleased.

It is an privilege to make the final and while I seriously don’t expect to win (I mean have you seen the writers in my category I personally love them all) I am going to glow in the honor of being listed along side them.

Now before I get all weepy and emotional which you know I’m so good at I’m simply going to say THANK YOU. Being nominated is awesome, making the final is incredible. 

I am really looking forward to Brit Mums Live it looks like its going to be an amazing conference. A chance to learn more about this crazy world of blogging and a opportunity to hear some great speakers and of course to meet up with some old and new friends .

I’ve been told you tell you all that I will be there at the evening party on the 22nd ready to network with all the other award finalists . The reality is I will be the nervous wreck up the corner hiding with maybe one or two glasses of wine. Though seriously, I would love the opportunity to say hi so please if you see me and want to chat please come over and say HELLO.

Raising children isn’t easy at times I could cry with frustration at another split milkshake or forgotten P.E kit.

Endless requests to tidy ones room or do their chores. 

It never stops and it shouldn’t.

Having children is a gift and one we shouldn’t take lightly. from moment they are born we are their translators of life.

They watch us all the time, the example we set are the example they learn from. 

We are their instruction manuals.

They watch us and they follow.

I realized this the other day, I was moaning at the girls to tidy their rooms then I walked into my own bedroom and fell over my mess.

What kind of example am I really setting them?

Of course I could give you a million excuses, busyness, tiredness and plenty more but Im sure if you asked my teenager she would be able to give me the same, exams, revision, boyfriends. 

But excuses are not enough!

I need to remember more that from the moment they were born I became responsible for them, who they will become is depended by part by what lessons I teach.

Of course others will influence their lives but as a mother maybe I am that main influencer.

So as I move away from this keyboard and tidy my bedroom,I remind myself that parents are the translators of life for their children and I am going to work on providing a better translation.

On Saturday my beautiful angel would have turned thirteen. 

Thirteen a right of passage into the world of the teenager.

I wonder what she would have been like at thirteen, would she have been full of hormones and drama like her sisters.

How would she have aged, would those adorable blond curls start to straighten, her blue eyes widen.

Im not sure how to feel, as we put up her cards and her special balloon.

I’m sad and angry all in one moment and so very lost.

We had a family meal Alan, I and the girls, just  sitting and sharing our memories, so sweet, so bitter sweet.

We had balloons to release with messages to heaven. Ribbons to tie on the tree at her special place.

So many flowers adorn her grave, so much love, so much pain.

How do we go on?  It’s a question I wonder everyday

One step at a time.

One day at a time. 

Time is supposed to heal, I’m not sure that’s the truth. I feel that maybe in time you learn to  the handle the pain easier, develop a higher threshold. 

Livvy was an amazing young lady who blessed our life for nine and a half years. It wasn’t enough. Is it ever enough?

My heart aches to hold my sweet daughter once again. I hope dear Livvy you are causing chaos in heaven. May my grandparents be holding you close and have brushed  your sweet cheeks with birthday kisses. Im saving all mine up until that blessed day when we are reunited. 

I do have so much to be thankful for, three amazing daughters who bless my life each day. Who make me so proud with their kindness and caring well beyond their years.

They too miss Livvy desperately but together we have made a pact. We are going to live life like Livvy did. With courage, strength and joy and most of all with love and hope.

Our family may have one member in heaven but we are still a family.

I realized the other day, how little I comment on other blogs. Its not that I haven’t found the content to be interesting or moving. I just seem to read and fly.

Its not been helped that most of the posts come via email into my inbox and are read on the move from my phone. As I wait for the kettle to boil or the washer to finish.

I read but do I really take in what people are saying, I never find time to click through to the site to add my thoughts, do I agree, do I want to send love, or to just say I’ve read and understood.

Has commenting gone down in the last six months or so ? Is it just due to the easier access from our phones, tablets etc.

Or have we started taking each others words for granted?

The truth is the blogging world is getting massive, so many voices shouting to be heard.

Yet behind our screens we just want our words to be read. We wait patiently for communication with others.

I know some bloggers have turned off their comment boxes writing for just the joy of the written word and I can totally understand and admire that.

Yet for me I long for that comment, that communication that has reached across the miles and says “yes I understand” “you are not alone”.

Its not validation I’m after its community, its contact. My writing has never been about statistics, just about sharing my heart.

So from this day forward I am going to read other bloggers posts with the concentration they deserve, to revel in others words, in others lives and then in that little box at the bottom of the page Im going to share my heart and my mind. I going to say yes, I visited, I read, I listened. I’m here.

I encourage  you to do the same.