Windows from Heaven

Psalm 8; 3

“When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers-

The moon and the stars you see in place”

Have you ever just laid back and looked at the stars in the sky?

I have, I find wonder in the night’s sky.

I see the twinkling of the stars as little windows in heaven.

When I was a little girl and someone died I was told that a new star had been formed. A new window in heaven formed so that my loved one could look down upon us. I could also look up to the night’s sky and tell the stars, tell my loved one what I had been up, how much I missed them, how much I loved them.

I’m sure many astrologers would love to tell me this is all wrong yet the comfort this brought me was wonderful. Sometimes heaven feels a long way away, the twinkling of stars brings it closer for me.

When Livvy died our dear family named a star in her memory. In fact she ended up with three stars in her name, we have two Livvy’s and one Livvy George in the night sky.

This was an amazing gift not just for me as her mom but for her sisters too. Livvy now has three windows to watch over us from heaven.

God is truly amazing, his precision, his wonder is perfection. His creation, his planning, His love

While I thank God for the stars that light the night sky, I also thank him for our imaginations and the gift of the windows from heaven.

Windows from heaven

Anticipation

anticipation

My life was strange growing up, at times I didn’t really know what was happening in life so I took to accepting joy and happiness when it came along but I don’t think I ever really expected it to stay or even be.

I’m not after sympathy or to have you believe my childhood was awful it wasn’t but life does get in the way sometimes.

Broken promises, money issues, loss of loved ones they all were part of the tapestry called my life.

I know this has left me with the inability to trust good things will happen. Don’t get me wrong I love life and when good things happen I embrace them open hearted. Yet until the moment they happen my heart is filled with fear that something will go wrong.

My husband goes mad at me, “get excited” he shouts at me, but I just can’t. It’s that little “what if” that echoes in my mind. “I will when it happens” I answer.

He tells me I am missing out on the anticipation of life and I know he is right.

When I was pregnant I really didn’t believe I would be a mom until my daughter was placed in my arms.

When I got married even though I knew my husband loved me I still prepared myself to be stood up at the altar.

If I don’t expect I can’t be disappointed!

 It’s not a great way to live my life.

I pretend for my daughters of course, that I’m excited about holidays, plans we have made. I want them to enjoy the anticipation off life.

I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to change. I pray not.

The strangest thing is I was talking to someone a while ago about my faith. He isn’t sure he believes in God or heaven. He asked me how I would feel if when I died there was nothing. I answered him simply; it wouldn’t matter because I have lived a life full of hope, excitement and anticipation.

So maybe I’m not beyond hope!

One Word

I was over at Faith Barista when Bonnie asked us what one word has God placed on our hearts this year.

To be honest I couldn’t grasp it, my head has been full with ideas, plans, prayers ONE word seemed a crazy notion.

Yet it lingered in my mind (Bonnie has a way of doing that) and I decided I needed to spend some time in prayer about my one word.

Let me tell you this was harder than I imagined, again so many thoughts entered my mind. Then finally I knew my word.

BELIEVE

I know and believe in an all loving God, yet a times I am sure he will reject me, that I’m not good enough. So while believing in God and trusting in God was something I’ve had to learn I have to also focus on believing in myself.

I need to BELIEVE that I can be the person I want to be. To reach for my dreams without knocking myself down.

Believe that I can achieve my goals with patience and endurance.

Believe that I am worth something.
That when someone tells me they love me to believe them.

A failure isn’t the end believe in trying again.

Believe that when times are hard that we will come through them.
Believe I will be happy and complete again.

Believe we will all be reunited.

This list could go on forever, believe it…..

From not grasping the idea of one word I have been shocked into realising that ONE word was all I needed.

” Jesus answered “The work of God is this : to believe in the one he has sent” John 6;29

“Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty” John 6;35
So what ONE word is on your heart?

More than just a Competition.

My second born is known for her fiery temper, her ragged determination and at times her complete lack of tact.

Yes she is also admired for her strength of conviction, loyalty and affection.

Ice skating was what consumed her heart from the moment she first stepped on the ice back in 2007 yet when Livvy died in 2008 the desire to skate left with the impact of grief. To quote Eden from this time “It doesn’t seem important anymore”. Add to this the beginning of senior school a break was needed from the sport.

So when last year she asked to return to the sport I was excited but nervous at the same time. Many of her friends had moved forward, how she was going to feel.

We were truly blessed with the chance of working with a new coach who Eden had admired for such a long time and is to be honest an amazing coach who really understands her. The new excitement for the sport was obvious in her willingness to jump out of bed at 5am.

Anyway Monday she participated in her first open competition. It wasn’t the result that was the victory it was the smiles I saw on her face, the fun I saw her have. The laughter she shared with her coach. That brought joy to my heart.

Losing a sister has affected my children in different ways, Eden lost her joy, patience and direction for a while, my heart was bursting with pride on Monday as she did me proud.

Also taking 2nd place isn’t a bad start back either.

As a parent who loses a child you go through so many emotions watching your other children grieve breaks your heart all over again.

I know Eden misses Livvy so much but it was wonderful to see her spark fired up again. Her dreams become important to her again.

I know her little sister is with her always.

To some it may have just been an ice skating competition for us it was so much more.

My Star

The Good and the Bad

 I was worrying on twitter about how open I am with my writing on this blog. That maybe people don’t really want to read about my bad times.

Then I received some good advice which really struck at my core.

“Sometimes understanding the bad days can make the good days more meaningful”

How true are these words?

Most of us take a lot of things for granted without really realising what we have. From basics like a home, shelter, foods, heat, to the bigger things like love, family, children.

I know I have been there, I remember the moment that I realised this.

How I had taken for granted the joy of parenthood, of beautiful healthy children.

I was sitting in a neurologist’s office hearing the words Rett Syndrome. Then the sentence “we don’t know what the future holds, no promises”.

Once the shock had worn off I remember thinking of all the plans I had made, all the assumptions all the dreams. What I had taken for granted.

Yet like my wise friend said I began to appreciate the good times more. Yes life had changed but I still had amazing kids and great husband. My home was filled with love and laughter. I was so blessed.

Move on 8 years my life has changed so much, I have lost my daughter, my heart has broken and at times I am consumed by the overwhelming pain of grief yet I can still see the joy in life. The blessing’s I hold.

I still have four beautiful daughters three I get to hold and cuddle. A wonderful infuriating husband who listens to me when I whinge and encourages me to follow my dreams. A job that I love, which allows me to open my heart and my home to a child in need of a family.

I also have my faith which fills me with the joy of a promise, that one day we will all be reunited again. That only time separates me from Livvy, and that forever is in my future.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”. John 3; 16

So yes my life at times is truly awful and yes I can feel depressed and sad.  I’m sure we all feel this at moments yet by looking at the bad times I can see the good with a whole new understanding and gratitude.

It’s the simple things that make my heart sing.

So today I ask you all to look again at the simple things in your life. To look closer at the bad times, see what you learned from them and what you appreciate more now after them.

I hope that like I, you will be truly surprised and uplifted.

Lost inside myself.

Lost inside yourself

How do you explain that you are lost inside yourself?

That there isn’t one particular reason just one of a few!

Nothing really alarming or worrying just at times my head feels full of endless questions I have no answers for.

The crazy thing is life is like that, full of unanswered questions!  We all face them from the gigantic to the tiny.

I have to work on acceptance!!!!

What is that famous prayer?

“God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.”     Reinhold Niebuhr 

I need to use this as a daily mantra.

If I was to try to psychoanalyze myself (not a good idea). I would say I have control issues.

I believe that life has fallen out of my control. Losing Livvy, I couldn’t control this and numerous of other things that have happened.

I feel that the need to control my life is so great that those times when I have no control I find myself feeling scared, anxious and lost.

As I look at my life I can see that these feelings have led me to close in on myself. To try and stay in a secure circle and leave others on the outside. This isn’t the right way, but it was the right now way.

Like most things in life it’s an evolution. Progression, moving forwards, onwards, upwards whatever you call it.

I am moving on now, letting go slowly of my desire to control everything.

I am reminding myself that there is ONE in the control, one who wants so much for me. ONE who loves me like no other.

The Lord appeared to us in the past saying, “I loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving kindness.” Jeremiah 31.3

Absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master  has embraced us. “ Romans 8.38-39

Letting go of my controlling behavior isn’t easy for me to do, my mom tells me I was this way when I was little, would make plans years in ahead. Then when life changed and my plans had to change with it I would tumble into despair.

This is far from the free-spirited person I believed myself to be.

2011 is my year to be free from the restrictions I place upon myself. I want to flow with the river of life.

I hear God calling me to trust, to reach out my hand, I hear and trust in his promise to always be there.

I am joining up again on the faith jam over at Faith Barista. Don’t forget to go check out Bonnie’s site she is so inspiration.

They have landed.

They are scary
Talk a different language
Destructive
At times can look rather weird

No aliens haven’t landed in my home just two teenagers!

This holiday season has woke me up to the realisation that at times I actually want to strangle my girls. Ok maybe not physically but sometimes!!!

I am doubting my parenting skills, have I really messed up so bad or like my friends warned me they really do turn into monsters at this age.

I’ve read so much about communicating with your teen but its hard when you feel like you are talking to a brick wall.

Mood swings well I thought with my PMT I could be bad, well they make me look like an angel.

I love them so much but honestly today if someone offered me places at boarding school for them they would be packed and shipped in minutes.

I miss the cuddles, the affection. The bedtime stories.

They prefer the company of friends rather than me now.

I’m sure my parents would read this and say you were exactly the same and maybe I was. I do have a new respect for my mom that’s for sure.

I’m just going to keep being there for them, they do still need me. I mean they have laundry and aren’t old enough to drive yet.

Don’t get me wrong I love watching them grow and in all honesty they are amazing young ladies, but some days I really miss my babies that needed me for everything.

Letting your children grow up isn’t easy, is it…

You were made to make a difference- Book Review

 

I asked my daughter to review this book for booksneeze, You were made to make a difference, by Max Lucado and Jenna Lucado Bishop.

Here is Kennedy’s review:-

The book I am reading is very inspiring and is one of the best books I have ever read so far. It talks of how any person can make a difference in the world and can change the world if they believe. It is a truly amazing book and talks of many different people’s stories including young children and how they changed people’s lives.

I like how while reading this book you can really relate to God because it helps you along the way, leaving lines to write down thoughts you would like to share with someone. This book really helped me connect to God and realise that if I try and believe that I can make a difference I can help people little steps at a time, it gives children the belief that there is hope.

also like the way they have used bible extracts that relate to the chapter I think this is really good and helps children learn messages and people that are in the bible.  I think this book is worth reading if you need some guidance and help but also when trying to connect to God and trying to find a place to start. I really loved this book.

Thank you Kennedy for reviewing this book for me. xxxx