Let us dream of weddings.

Today Prince William
marries Kate Middleton I wish them a future full of love and happiness. 
My mind though is filled  with thoughts of the wedding I will never see. The truth be told I grieved for Livvy’s lost wedding way before she died. It started when she was diagnosed with Rett Syndrome. This debilitating illness took so many of  our dreams in one chromosome swoop. That was 9 years ago but since then there is hope. Not all dreams need to end with the words “your daughter has Rett Syndrome”. 

There has been some amazing results in the research into this terrible condition. Dramatic results beyond our wildness dreams further than we ever dared hope. Not just talk of treatment but talk of a cure.

Yet like the wedding today the cost of this research is extremely experience.

So today as you send wedding wishes to our future king please consider supporting Rett Syndrome Research trust so that maybe more princess will get to see their wedding day.

Happy Birthday

Its my birthday today. As I head into my 35th year I look back at the last twelve months. How would I describe them. Simply I suppose with two words..

I Survived.

Survival has felt like a daily battle for sanity. Staying true to the saying “what doesn’t kill us only makes you stronger”.

I have had some great highs and some incredible lows,yet all memories are to be cherished for the lessons they teach.

This last year has been a year of discovery. The birth of this new blog, my passion for words being shared with others. The courage to do this in itself has been a battle of nerves and finding of confidence. Sometimes I return to old posts and think may be that should have stayed in my head.

Yet the truth is nothing ventured nothing gained.

The roller coster of the last 365 days has brought out of me a determination that I didn’t know I had. It would have been so easy to give up my dreams but I haven’t.

Every day I learn something new about myself. Somethings I like some I want to change. Yes for the first time in a long time I do like who I am. I have learned that trying to be someone else doesn’t work anyway.

I look forward to my 35th year with a new determination. So as I say goodbye to 34 I pray for a more peaceful year but whatever happens I have faith in the one who has plans for me.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

Know Thyself

My dear friend Yuri over at Urbanvox.net tagged me with this Q & A thing, I don’t normally do them but these questions had me thinking.

Which living person do I admire the most?

To be honest I could state a few well know humanitarians who
have done a lot for the world and its people. But for me my husband is who I
admire the most. He has faced everything that I have but also been my strength,my provider, my carer, my lover he is also an amazing father to our own
children and the ones we have fostered.
I admire the way he lets life slip over him and tries to make the best
of everything.

When were you happiest?

It would be easy to answer this with the statement “When
Livvy was alive” and that is partly true, having my four girls together brought
me so much joy. I have many happy, special memories of this time.

Yet the truth is I am happy now too, my girls do bring so
much to my life. They make me smile everyday with their little ways and cheekiness.

Each day is a gift that I want to cherish and happiness can
be found where anywhere there is love.

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Now this is a hard one, as I think I have embarrassed myself
so much that I have become immune. I have been known to fall over fresh air or
my own feet. I’ve gone shopping with my top on inside out. I am so absentminded
that embarrassing should be my middle name. I get lost in my own thoughts with
disastrous outcomes. Have you ever walked into a wall, I have. See my husband
tells me I’m beyond hope. At least I can say I can laugh at myself.

What is the most expensive thing you have ever brought?

My camera by far, I love a bargain and hate paying of the
odds but my camera is my baby and my photographs are priceless.

What is your most treasured possession?

My memories, my photos, keepsakes of my loved ones. I have
no times for possessions really, my family are my world but these things are my
heart and I turn to my memories daily to keep me strong.

Where would you like to live?

I want best of both worlds, I would love to live by the
ocean and spend time on the beach watching the waves. Yet I also love the
countryside, green fields, and farmland. No neighbours for miles animals in the
backyard.

 

What is your favourite smell?

I’m torn between coconut and fresh coffee. Then again I
could add babies to that, I love the smell of baby lotion too, or fresh
washing. Oh I’m not sure……

Who would play me in a film of my life?

If we can sidestep the concept of looks I can imagine
someone like Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock playing me both can go from serious
to comedy in seconds and have shown a passion for life and love.

What is your favourite book?

I’m not sure I can answer this as I love to read and have
found something that inspires me in many books, To kill a mocking bird, Anne Frank’s
diary, anything by Maya Angelou.

If I was to say which book means the most to me it would have
to be my bible of course.  Love and inspiration fused in the written word.

What is my most unappealing habit?

Finishing conversations that I had started in my head and
expecting people to know what I’m talking about. This drives my husband insane.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

Maid Marion, I love the way she was dressed for her wedding,
I’m talking Robin Hood with Kevin Costner, flowing dress, flowers in my hair.

Then again I would love to dress like Abby out of NCIS too, but if I had her figure I would dress this way all the time.

Yes I’m complicated.

What is your earliest memory?

My most vivid and earliest memory is sitting on my grandad’s lap in his big armchair in front of his little gas fire reading together. I can still close my eyes and smell him the mixture of Brylcreem and Capstan full strength.  Gosh I miss him so much.

To whom would you most like to say sorry to and why?

I tend to apologise at the time when needed, in fact I’m known for apologising when it really isn’t my fault. I’m a peacemaker and will try my hardest to keep others happy.

Who or what is the greatest love of my life?

My children without a doubt, closely followed by my husband.

What was the best kiss of your life?

Now that would be telling!

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

At this moment in time I think the word awesome is my main culprit. Everything is awesome, but it is.

What is the worst job you have done?

Packing potatoes, putting my hand into the big bag and finding it covered in rotten spud.

If you could edit your past what would you change?

To many things to list, I just wish I had learned to like myself a lot earlier in life.

What is the closest you have come to death?

I have two times to choose from one I caught MRSA after the
birth of my daughter, I was so ill at times I welcomed death, the second was
when my airways collapsed and I couldn’t breathe. Both were incredible scary.

What is your greatest achievement?

My children!!!!

When did you last cry?

Last night as I was watching Miami Ink, the memorial tattoo’s always grab my heart.

How do you relax?

In the pages of a good book, I escape into the world of words and imagination.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

My health improving.

What most important lesson has life taught you?

That we never know what tomorrow will bring. So embrace life, love fully and completely and never end on an argument.

I’m now supposed to tag people, so if you want to be consider yourself tagged. xxxx

Who will I be?

My friend Yuri over at urbanvox published a post about the man he was, the man he is and the man he wanted to be. I loved this concept so much I decided to jump on to the bank wagon.

The woman I was…

I think I got lost somewhere in my early teens probably when my grandfather died he was my lighthouse in the dangerous ocean of life. He was the man I wanted to achieve for. I so wanted to make him proud of me. So when he died I gave up. Dancing was my escape I loved it, had my heart set on continuing into a career but I had also found another attraction in life, partying. The nightclubs, the music, dancing and of course the alcohol. Weekends passed in a blur. Direction in life was lost. I lived one day at a time or should that be one night.

Sounds fun but the truth was it was far from it. The clubs became a bore the alcohol became a crutch.

I woke up one day and decided enough was enough. I stopped drinking and started planning. Health issues may have gotten in the way of my old plans so new plans needed to be made.

Changes had to be made.

The woman I am now..

Changes were made, I settled down and to my complete surprise I loved it. My husband saved me. He gave me strength and courage to be who I was without the pretence.

Then I found my dream job, becoming a mother. The moment I first knew that there was a tiny life inside of me I felt complete. I knew what my purpose in life was.   The second my child was placed on my chest I knew of a passion so strong I would lay down my life for it.

I love being a mom, I have been blessed with four amazing, beautiful, incredible girls. Yet it has been far from easy. I’ve struggled with post natal depression, health issues, raising a disabled child and also the daily battle of not feeling good enough.

The worst was yet to be I went from being a mom to a grieving mother. Nothing prepares you for the pain of a loss of a child your mind cannot and should not ever conceive the enormity of the anguish. Your heart literally breaks, your soul shatters.

The woman I want to be…

If you would ask me if I was strong I would probably answer no. Yet when I look back I can see I’ve survived. I am battle weary and scarred at times beyond recognition but the truth is I’m still here.

I want to be so much more. I still love my job as a mother I also love my second job as a foster carer too. But my quest doesn’t end here. I don’t have all the directions but I know I’m on a journey. Signposts along the way say, more confidence, self belief, discover and explore faith. Teach, learn, understand.LOVE

I want to write more, learn more, take Livvy’s Smile as far as I can.

Where these instructions take me who knows.

I am not the woman I was twenty years ago, I’m not who I was ten years ago. To be honest I’ve changed since yesterday.
I haven’t a clue who the woman I want to be is. The journey to find her is an adventure, an adventure called life.

Love is…………

Watching a film last night I heard an amazing quote which I had never heard before.

“Love is like the wind,you cannot see it, but you feel it.” Nicholas Sparks

How true are these words?

So many times when I think about Livvy I crave for one more day, one more smile, one more giggle yet the reality is one more is never enough.

Yet her love is like the wind blowing through my hair, blowing through my heart.

Memories that form pictures in my mind. Smells that transport me back to then. Livvy is
the air that I breathe into my lungs, the blood that flows round my body. In every beat that my heart makes.
Livvy is I and I am she.

When my daughters left my womb they never left my heart.

Livvy may be out of sight but never out of reach of my love.

I am promised forever and I believe in that promise.