If I wouldn’t be judged harshly, I would say ________ out loud.

 

Again I have undertook the challenge of the Brit Mums Blog Prompt.

If I wouldn’t be judged harshly, I would say _____________ out loud.

Simply this would be ,

 I’m struggling

I am the picture of a woman moving forward, being strong for her children, facing  her grief.

Look under the covers you would be surprised at what you might find.

The ragged edges of pure grief tearing into my mind and heart. A word , a smell I’m falling back through the years, holding her again in my arms.

It’s been nearly three years since we lost her, but to me it feels like only yesterday. As I close my eyes I  peel back the years and release the memories, this in when the tears begin to fall.

So if I was going to confess something in hope of not being judged it is simply this,

I’m struggling, its hurting.

My Reminder

The place I never dreamt I would have to be, Is now a place I come to feel you near.

I close my eyes and the wind whispers through my hair and deep into my soul.

I never could explain how this felt, until I heard the words

“Love is like the wind you can’t see it but you can feel it” Nicholas Sparks

So yesterday I had a little reminder done.

My Reminder

Allowing them to grow.

I have to confess, I’m struggling at times with my teenagers and Saturday it all came to a head. Something was said that made me realise changes needed to be made.

Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed with my girls they could be far worse, yet the truth is at times like all people they can be selfish and cruel.

I realised though that I am not helping the situation, the truth is I’m not allowing them to grow and learn.

In three years time my eldest will be an adult but I am not embracing her journey towards adulthood, I’m actually holding on with both hands to her childhood.

I guess there comes a time in a parent’s life where we have to accept our children are growing up and yes we still need to support and protect them but we also need to trust and allow them freedom to make mistakes. Giving them opportunities to be responsible and make their own decisions.

It’s not easy, just the thought of allowing them to learn consequences scares me. Their life decisions cannot be fixed with a plaster or magic cream.

However I have to trust in the way I have raised my girls, that even at times when they seriously test me, I know in their hearts and their heads they know right from wrong.

They realise that the dreams they have require work, effort, time and patience.

By giving them freedom they will begin to achieve things for themselves and then feel the pride that will follow along with that achievement.

If I continue to do everything for them, I’m not equipping them for the real world. Their future employers won’t allow them to leave a job half done to go shopping with friends. Run their laptops to them when they have left them behind. Or advance them their wages because they just couldn’t live without that top.

Being a teenager isn’t easy but let’s be honest adulthood isn’t all we believed it would be. Who in their right minds enjoys bills, responsibilities?

So young ladies of mine, you have choices to make, you continue to abuse your mobile phone you will be making the choice to pay the bill yourself.

You continue to leave your washing on your bedroom floor, well then you are choosing to wash your own clothes.

Life is about making the decisions, I’m hoping and praying you will make the right ones.

You may not like me all the time, but one day you will understand how much I love you. You girls are my world, nothing will ever change that.

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Time

 

Time was something I never really thought about. It was just periods of space I filled with the endless tasks that life sets before us. Chores, meetings, relationships, I never really consider how I spent my time until I heard the words.

“Make the most of the time you have with her”.

Ever felt punched deep into your very soul. The feeling that your heart being physically torn from your chest. This was how I was feeling when someone had put a limit on time.

From the moment you realise you are carrying your child it becomes a countdown in time. You pray, dream and about holding your precious baby in your arms.

Then when that beautiful innocent is in your arms you dream of the life they will have, life seems endless before you.

Never do you think of the time you have left.

We should die before our children, that’s the normal, the right way of life. Yet here was a Dr us telling different, that the rules weren’t being played in this game called my life. He didn’t know how much we had left, couldn’t promise forever.

Right then and there I hated time.

It became oppressive, my enemy. Like sand in the hourglass time was slowly slipping through my hands.

I rolled those words over and over in my mind. “Make the most of the time you have”. I heard them but couldn’t accept them. If I ignored them then maybe they would go away.

They didn’t.

Would accepting them mean I was giving up? Was I letting my daughter down by not fighting for the promise of longer?

It was so hard; I felt like I was drowning in my tears, my fear was choking my heart. Yet as I looked at my daughter all I saw was life.

 

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

― Maya Angelou

I had a decision to make, would I fight time and make it my enemy or would I embrace it as a friend.

I had to learn it’s not about how much time lost but how much we had.

Life changed from that day forward, as a family we began to see the gift of time. The precious moments shared in sweet hugs, the forever in deep belly chuckles. Memories were created each day, each a present to my soul.

The time left was five precious years. Each year, each day, every minute I give thanks for. Each moment is ingrained on my heart.

Time I learned was something we couldn’t control we just had to learn to embrace and live.

Time is a precious gift I will always be grateful for.

And until I get to hold my daughter in my arms again I will wait on time.

 

Thanks again to Josie over at Sleep is for the Weak for her writing workshop and her inspiration.

I cannot live without – Brit Mums prompt

 

I’m loving the Brit Mums prompt off the week. It’s a great way of getting you writing about a subject that may never cross your mind normally. Opening your way of thinking.

This weeks prompt is…I cannot live without…

At first my mind went of course to my family, my beautiful girls, loving  husband these of  course are granted. Life without them isn’t worth thinking about. This as you know I speak from experience.

Then I decided to keep the post light but true. The thing I cannot live without is my…. I phone.

I know total cliche yet I have surprised myself at the level of love I feel for  my phone.

I can stay in contact with the outside world from the comfort of my bed, pure bliss.

I can check my email on the run, reply as I sit in Starbucks enjoying my latte.

Texting is wonderful for those conversations you don’t have time for or would rather not have. But mostly for that quick hello letting people know they are loved and are being thought about.

I have my journal in my hands, after years of dragging my notebooks around  with me for those  moments when inspiration hits. I can now just let’s the words flow out through the keyboard on my phone.

I can blog in the middle of a field when we are camping. Tweet in church (not that I do that) ha ha.

Those moments I find myself saying “I wish I had brought my camera”, I have in my phone.

Oh and before I forget, the endless music I carry in the iPod part of this heavenly device.

I hear people say that technology takes time away from you. I disagree my iPhone has allowed me to work in waiting rooms, on journeys and by doing so has given me time back to relax and enjoy life.

Yes I cannot live with my iPhone.  I love it…….

As the seasons change

 

Bonnie over at Faith Barista asked us to reflect on our faith as we enter the season of fall. Or to me here in the UK autumn.

 

Maybe it’s wrong to say my faith has been like the changing seasons. Starting with the fresh flowering of spring into the burning passion of summer , cooling at times into autumn then moments of pure frozen winter.

 

My heart has ached for the warm of summer to fill my soul but I’ve struggled and found myself reaching for protection against the bitterness of the winter.

 

Yet as we face the autumn months and the winter becomes closer I find that I’m not afraid. That somewhere, somehow I have found peace within me.

 

The reality is life changes and at a pace a lot quicker than the changing seasons. I can experience summer and winter in the same day, the same moment.

 

But the realisation I have come to is whatever the weather God is my protection. In the sun is he my sunscreen, in the rain he is my umbrella. In my heart he is my saviour.

 

So as I watch the beauty of the autumn, the changing colours of the leaves on the trees, I give thanks to God for the changing of my heart.

 

What would I change?

Over at Brit Mums the question was asked “What would you change if you could start your blog over again”?

I had actually been thinking about this as I have just swapped my blog to self hosted.

Besides a general update now again on the theme, graphics etc there isn’t much more I would change.

My blog is simply who I am it has no airs and graces. It doesn’t have any fancy on it due to me being totally technically inapt and far from fancy as a person.

What it does have is pages of my heart felt writings.

The reason I started my blog is the same reason I continue today. To share my life, my dreams and my family.

I know there are probably many ways I or things I could add to bring more traffic to my blog but the truth is I love to write and if it’s only read by one person. I hope that person enjoys it.

So I wouldn’t change my blog, it is who I am warts and all.