I sat there alone basking in the irony.
Here I was watching a conference on community, hearing stories of wonderful God blessed friendships, of lives fulfilled by the roles they play as the friend.
I wondered as I logged in, why am I doing this to myself, am I just torturing my soul? Doesn’t it ache enough?
The videos began to play and my heart began to search, my heart began to listen, then finally it began to hear.
In these stories I had found home, my hurts, my pain. The soul tearing I had felt wasn’t just mine to own. These ladies too had feared community, feared stepping out, felt alone within a crowd.
How can these videos effect me so much, why are these stories resonating through my whole, why oh why are the tears falling down my face?
Because they speak the truth, they guide me towards what the heart knows but the head was refusing to accept. I am afraid, I am fearful, I am scared.
Friendship is a word that reaches into my body and stopped the blood from pouring into my heart. It leaves me cold.
I’ve tried it once before and it failed miserably, women I walked along side left when the road got rocky and obstacles stood in the way. I didn’t help, I don’t help. I didn’t cry out please don’t leave me, I too just stopped returning calls or making invitations.
Seasons of life,
I’ve heard this said before but had I let the understanding, the acceptance soothe my soul as the healing balm it could be.
My answer is simply no!
I’m not new to the stories I’m hearing , I have followed the writings over the past year or so.
But have I been reading but not understanding?
Have the words really penetrated the walls that I have surrounded my heart with.
The excuses got in there first, “They have it all together” “I could never write like that” “or maybe its different in America” are just a few that I resurrect each time the words got too close.
Raising my shield against stories, against the truth.
Reading in-courage but having none.
Lying to myself about acceptance of a life alone. “Hey I don’t need friendship”, “I have great kids a wonderful husband” etc etc lies told to my own heart.
Ignoring the passages of God’s word where he calls us together to be a fellowship, to be all parts of the one body of Christ.
That can’t be for me, Ive tried it once, it just isn’t me, it wont work out.
Yet here I was signing up to watch the conference!
From the moment I pressed play I wasn’t alone, I felt the love of God surround me, Jesus was crying out to my heart, please listen,this is what I want for you.
Friends are my gifts to you, they are the physical beings of my love. Open your heart dear child, let them in.
You have never been alone and you are so loved. Please step out in-courage.