Be true to your dreams.

Have you ever made a wish or written down a list of dreams only to look back years later and feel grateful that they didn’t come true?

Sometimes what we wish for isn’t really what we need, or even what we want.

Maybe it’s a case of not really having the courage to ask for what your heart truly desires.

I often think back to my teenage lists, my journal pages filled with dreams.

I wanted to join the army, to see the world, be a career focused woman. I didn’t want children and as for being married seriously two weeks in a relationship seemed scary. No commitments, no ties, no emotion.

It’s hard looking back and knowing how untrue I was to myself. That even in the pages of my journal I couldn’t find the courage to be honest, to be true.

You see I didn’t believe in happy endings and I certainly didn’t believe in true love. Yet here I am about to celebrate my 19th year of marriage. I met a man who is far from Prince Charming which is lucky as I’m no Cinderella . Yet he is a man who loves me to my very bones. Who brings me tea in bed every morning. Who empties the rubbish without whining and who encourages and believes in me and all that I do.

I believed that I didn’t want to be a mom, the fear of being completely responsible for a child freaked me out. It was never a case of what will I mess up, it was more a case of when. Now as a mom to four incredible daughters and a Foster mom I’m still scared of messing up but when I look at my girls I know that somehow I did something right .That underneath the chaos and the arguments my kids know how very loved they are.

I can’t even imagine myself in the army now, yet back then at 14 it was my life’s plan. I think it was the order that attracted me to it. Having someone control my life was appealing, not having to make decisions for myself. Yet I would have been a lousy solider. Besides the fitness stuff which I used to love I am incredibly messy and often get lost in my own thoughts, not good when you are supposed to be alert and on guard.

I understand people change and grow and I don’t dispute that I have but if I am perfectly honest I think then I was simply afraid.

Afraid to voice my real hopes and dreams.

Afraid to be true to my heart.

I remember vividly sitting at my grandparents kitchen table writing out my lists. My first list was so very different to the second but as I read the words back I ripped the page out of my journal and tore it into tiny pieces. I remember asking myself what I was thinking, mocking myself, mocking my dreams.

You see I so wanted to be in love, to have someone smile at me in that way, you know the one. Where their smile reaches deep into your soul. Where your heart begins to race and your body just tingles.

I wanted the perfect wedding with fresh flowers and hippy hair. I wanted to promise forever in front of those I loved.

I wanted to write but more than that I wanted to share my words. To have them read in places I have never visited, by people I would never meet. I so wanted to speak through my words to others hearts.

And I really wanted to be a mom, to hold that precious child in my arms. To watch them grow, to catch them when they stumbled, to teach,to encourage and to love. I didn’t just want to give birth to children I wanted to love on those in need. Whatever the reason I just wanted to open my arms and welcome them home.

It’s crazy how life works out, I still have a few more wants to achieve but somehow I was lucky. My dreams that I was scared to write down, well some of them certainly came true.

Did my subconscious play a part, who knows?

Yet I so wish I could go back to that scared 14 year old girl and to tell her to own her dreams. To not care what others may believe to be unrealistic, to know that her hopes were within her reach.

I teach my girls now that nothing is beyond their desire to achieve. That to get something you first have to believe in it.

I wish I had known this, maybe I wouldn’t have messed up so many times. Maybe I wouldn’t have set myself up to fail. Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt myself so many times.

Self sabotage may be my favourite two words (NOT)

So if you are reading this, pick up a journal, a notebook or a scrap piece of paper.

Now write on it your one true dream.

Not whats practical or what other tell you to aim for.

Write your hearts desire.

Now believe in it.

Take steps toward it.

Own it.

Because seriously if I can get there, you all can.

Start the journey towards them now.

It’s never too late.

Avoid the self destruction and start with self construction.

I believe in you.

 

This post and a few others can be also found over on the Huffington post 

Self acceptance 

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about acceptance. How’s it’s something we give yet also something we crave.

I’ve know since i first became aware of my feelings that I have desperately needed to feel accepted. 

That I will bend myself backwards, inside and out just feel part of a group. Only then to find myself not truly being me and still feeling lonely in a crowd.

I look for others approval in all I do.

My self worth is handed over to others only measured by what they feedback to me.

I find myself looking in the mirror feeling rather gorgeous only to start self hating if my husband or friends don’t compliment me.

It’s not about my ego it’s my lack of self belief, self worth.

The other day I was on a high due to the publishing of my post over on Huff post. But slowly it ebbed away as the one person I wanted to be proud of me said nothing.

It’s a rollercoaster of expectation drowning in acceptance.

Yet what I have started to realise is that acceptance starts with me. That I hold the power of self acceptance and that it’s not fair to give it away.

It’s not fair to expect others to realise what I need. It’s not fair to myself to allow others opinions of me form my identity. 

Easy said than done though isn’t it.

With a society telling us what size to be, what food to eat, what roles we should play, it isn’t easy to find your soft small voice in the rapturous noise.

But it’s something I really need to aim for. 

Self acceptance.

I want to hear my heart tell me well done, congratulations and you go girl. 

I want to hear this first.

I want to learn how to accept compliments when given or learning to not give a shit when they aren’t.

Self value 

Self worth 

Self acceptance 

Maybe it’s something to do with getting older, about realising that you cannot please all people at the same time. 

I’m not sure but what I do know is that I am proud of myself at times. I’ve worked hard for all that I have achieved and will continue to do so in the future.

 

Hope In Action

Yay its October the month of darker nights and Halloween but for me it’s also the start of my #nomoreemptyarms campaign.

It’s the time when I drive you all insane with information about Rett Syndrome and the great need for research and fundraising for a cure to be found.

The time when I ask you to join with me and share your photos on all your social media sites.

I want all your friends, colleagues asking you about the hashtag. I want everyone everywhere learning about Rett Syndrome.

I want #nomoreemptyarms to be in every timeline, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and all those I have yet to learn to about.

WHY?

Because awareness is so needed.

So many times when I speak about Livvy and share what I lost her to people ask me “what is Rett Syndrome”.

Its still so relatively unknown.

I want people to know that Rett Syndrome is a rare neurological disorder that affects mainly girls but also boys.

That every 90 minutes a girl is born with Rett Syndrome.

That children lose their lives to the complications of Rett Syndrome.

Why am I asking you to share just a photo?

 

Follow me over to the to read why ………

 

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