Behind the smile.

I sat there watching the video on the big screen, aware that people were looking towards me waiting for my reaction. Would I tear up, would I be smiling, how proud would I be?  My heart was  pounding deep inside my chest, I could actually hear it in my ears as if it was echoing on my chest .

I had to smile, I had to pretend.

Yes I was so proud, so excited for my baby girl but I was also so angry that life was this way.

You see I had done what I thought I should of,

Ok I never expected to have a child with a severe disability, it had never crossed my mind, in my wildest dreams I would have never have considered it. But I owned it, I learned all that I could, I embraced my new life, tried to be positive, to live with purpose, to make the magic in the moments.

But it still wasn’t enough

And that, well that makes me angry.

I didn’t mind caring for Livvy, I never stressed over the endless hospital visits or the lack of sleep. I embraced it, because that was what she needed, what I needed to do to love on my daughter. I did it,

I learned to love the life I didn’t choose. 

But it wasn’t enough.

Life just doesn’t play fair, it doesn’t matter how many times you roll with the punches, accept the destination changes, breathe in deep the new life.

Sometimes the rug just gets pulled out from under your feet. 

Your world just crumbles.

So yes whilst I was so proud of Brodie and her award, sitting there listening to her talk about losing Livvy didn’t make me sad it just made me angry.

I was angry that she had to lose her sister,

Furious that she had to feel so much pain

and

Crazy that I had to bury my daughter.

Time doesn’t make losing a child easier, I can tell you right now almost 8 years can sometimes feel like almost 8 days.

It hurts,

It’s that moment of repeated realisation that she is never coming back,

That I won’t hold her again.

Its a symphony of emotions that I still have to learn to play.

Anger, sadness, missing, love, joy, gratefulness and hope.

But I will continue to practice my notes, trying and trying again.

Because although pain, anger may play a big part of this production called life, the greatest character, the biggest influence will always be love.

And love is always enough to create the greatest of masterpieces. 

 

Let’s talk about the dress.

It has been little over a week since our magical evening and I think I may be finally coming back down to earth. It was an incredible evening and I don’t think I will ever get used to saying, ” I met a Prince”.

It was a truly wonderful time made even better by how fabulous I felt in my beautiful dress.

my dress

 

Now before I tell you about this stunning dress I do want to say a massive THANK YOU to Navabi  who gifted me a dress to wear for this evening. They asked for nothing in return, no blog post, no social media nothing, their only request was that I had an amazing time.

Yet although they didn’t ask I  do so want to tell you all about this beautiful dress.

Its a sequinned evening dress made by Ariella and you can find it here. It made me feel so incredible and I received  so many compliments throughout the night about it I’m sure I was blushing. The design just fitted my body perfectly giving me definition. The look is just so elegant and timeless. I am already planning to wear it for the Livvy’s Smile Ball I am hosting next year (don’t forget your tickets).

The dress is simply stunning and whilst I may not have come home with a Prince I did feel like a Princess for a night.

Anyway who needs a Prince when I had this handsome chap with me, I love this man and this November we celebrate 20 years of marriage woo hoo.

img_3727

 

Again I have to again extend my gratitude to Navabi for their kindness, I look back at the photos from the evening and can just seen how amazing I felt and looked.

It truly is one special dress.

 

img_3759.jpg

Rainbow style 

Sometimes when you are struggling or life seems dark it’s good to remember that without the rain there would be no rainbow. 

This is why I was so excited to dress my little one in this gorgeous rainbow leggings from Blade and Rose


This little one has certainly brought a lot of light into my life. He is such a gift. 


I’m having so much fun being a mom to a little one again and I’m so excited by the vast array of stylish, funky clothes out there. 

I’m loving the autumn winter collection from Blade and Rose I literally love so much from the hoodies to hats. 

These are on my wish list for little one. 


* I was gifted this leggings for the purpose of this review but all opinions are my own. 

#MamiaDaysOut Challenge

The last few weeks have been crazy from the Labour conference to the Child Growth foundation conference to attending the Well-child awards I truly don’t feel like my feet have touched the floor. I ache everywhere and I am feeling so guilty for the things I think I am missing.

One thing I don’t have to feel guilty for though is the weaning of my new little one. Thanks to a fantastic hamper from Aldi’s for taking part in their #MamiaDaysOut I know my little one has been eating healthy organic food.

img_3626

Now don’t get me wrong weaning has been far from easy we have issues with swallowing and feeding in general but this range from Aldi’s has been a massive hit. He especially loves the juice and for a child who struggles to drink at times those juices have been guzzled down in minutes.

#MamiaDaysOut

 

He loved most of the tastes he tried

img_3630

But his overall favourite was these

img_3628

 

I am so thankful for such easy, healthy, tasty food that is available for my little one. The convenience of Aldi Mamia’s 100% organic baby food range means I have been able to feed him well whilst travelling etc.

 

 

I have been using Aldi’s Mamia’s nappies and wipes for while now, so finding out about this baby food range is an extra bonus. In fact I have already been back in store for more supplies. 

 This post is an entry for BritMums #MamiaDaysOut Linky Challenge, sponsored by Aldi Mamia. < aldi.co.uk