Sometimes I feel the need to have some time out. To go into hiding one may say. I’m going through one of these times now.

I feel lost, directionless. I feel like im searching for something. To be honest I haven’t a clue.

There is nothing really wrong, nothing to put my finger on. Just a feeling of being lost! I’m spending time wrapped up with my family, enjoying cuddles and family time. I’m holding them close and to be totally honest I love every minute of it. I believe that sometimes taking a step out of life now and again is good for your soul. It reminds me of what is truly valuable in my life.

I’m also spending time in prayer, giving my worries to God, asking him for guidance and signs for where or what he wants me to do next.

Normally I thrive on plans, knowing the what, where and why. For a while I just want to relax and embrace the now.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4; 6-7

I am a little uncertain about school’s child of the week awards etc. I feel that all children are stars in their own individual way. Though let’s be honest I have many concerns about schooling full stop.

Yet I wasn’t going to mention my concerns when an ecstatic and excited Brodie burst through the door holding in her hands a trophy and a certificate.

Doesn’t she look proud of herself; I know I am extremely proud of her always.

Child of the week to the school to me always x

Today is a day of celebration in our home, its my husbands 40th birthday.

Words could  never express how much I love this man, even at times when he is being a typical male and annoying me.

What a cutie xx

I just want to cuddle him

Some one needs a hair cut

Alan you are a wonderful husband and an amazing father.

Enjoy your birthday party tonight with all your family and friends.

You don’t look a day over 50 ha ha xxx

 I’m not sure I can find the words to explain how I am feeling, overwhelmed, devastated, blessed and hopeful they all play a part in the symphony of emotions in my heart.

Last night I had the honour of attending a Gala evening for the Rett Syndrome Research Trust UK. Outstanding doesn’t come close to describing the event! All the dedicated trustee’s and organisers should today be resting in the knowledge of the great evening they hosted.

I cannot tell you how close I came turning round and coming home yesterday. To be perfectly honest I wasn’t sure I had the strength or courage to face an evening discussing the very condition which had taken my beautiful daughter Livvy from me. Yet as I took the first few steps through the door I was engulfed by amazing support and care. Thank you all for your kindness.

There were so many parts of the evening which were memorable. Mark Owen from ‘Take That’ was there, of course me being me hadn’t a clue who he was as he was standing right beside me, yet I should have guessed he was someone special from the amount of ogling going on. Though on a serious note a big thank you to Mark and his fellow band members! They set the auction off to an amazing start with their kind donation of tickets to their forthcoming Wembley gig.

There were two speeches last night which really took hold of my heart. Rachael Bloom one of the co-founders and trustees of RSRTUK spoke about her reasons to fight for the cure. As she described her beautiful daughter Amber I could see, could feel Livvy in her words. Rachael you are an amazing woman and I am so glad I had the opportunity to meet you.

Second was the speech from Professor Adrian Bird. This gentleman is the world’s leading expert in the gene; MECP2 which is responsible for Rett Syndrome.  He spoke about the hope, the chance that Rett Syndrome may be reversed. Imagine in my lifetime there may be a cure for this devastating condition how amazing is that! Listening to his words I was filled with more determination that ever to do whatever I can to help make this happen.

Last night will be one I remember for a long time. For me personally it was a major step forward in my emotional well-being. Today I am completely exhausted but exhilarated. For Rett Syndrome Research Trust I am sure it will be the first of many successful ventures.

Thank you all for the kindness you showed me and for allowing me to share Livvy with you. You will never know how much that meant. To share my memories of my beautiful brave dearly missed daughter with you all.

I do pray for all your girls and hope to see you all again soon.

As this post goes live I am off on an adventure. To some it may not seem this way but for me a trip to the capital city is so exciting. To be honest I was so nervous now, the anticipation has kicked in and I’m full of wonder, to quote my husband “like a big kid”.

Is it the big city the bright lights that are attracting me? No they are nice enough but for me the real treat is going to be in the people I meet. To start Hayley from singlemummy.net is meeting me at the train station. Hayley is someone who I met through blogging and twitter and I’ve come to the conclusion we are very alike in many ways, it will be nice to turn our virtual friendship into a real life one. I’m sure we will have a great afternoon.

Then in the evening I get the pleasure of meeting the amazing set of parents who I share so much with, a common goal, the fight for the cure for Rett Syndrome. I’m excited to hear about their amazing girls and share my beautiful memories of Livvy with them.  While raising money for the fantastic charity Rett Syndrome Research Trust UK. I know I mention this charity a lot on my blog but along with Livvy’s Smile this is where you will find my heart and my determination.

So as long as I make it safely on the right train, today is going to be one memorable day. I promise to share all the details when I return and as for you guys be good while I’m away.

I’m getting nervous; I’m excited but yes the fluttering of butterflies hold tight in my stomach.

Thursday I am off to our capital city good old London. I’m attending a gala evening for Rett Syndrome Research Trust UK.

Excited, why?   I get to meet people I have been getting to know via the virtual world of the internet and I also get to support a fantastic cause. If you are a regular reader of my blog you will know this, but for all you new readers “HELLO” Rett Syndrome is the reason my daughter died in November 2008 and it is also the reason she was severely disabled all her life. So as you can imagine it is something I am very passionate about.

Nervous, why? Did I mention all those people I will be meeting? It’s a lot different communicating online than it is face to face. (What if they don’t like me)?  There are also my emotions to worry about, RSRTUK are an amazing charity who are fundraising towards finding the cure for Rett syndrome, as much as I support them and will continue to fight with all my heart for the cure the reality is, it is too late for Livvy. I still grieve for my little girl.

Well one of the main worries for me was the fact that it was a formal evening, for a woman who lives in jeans and t-shirts I did have a slight nervous breakdown about what to wear.

Here is where I have a big thank you to say to the fashion company Simply Be , they came to my rescue and offered me a choice of outfit.

Take a look at what I chose, I hope you like it. It is rather daring for me but I do really feel good in it.

This outfit and many other great ones came be found online at Simply Be .co.uk or if you are a customer in the USA, SimpleBe.com.

As well as their own gorgeous clothing, Simply Be brings you the most fabulous fashion from big brands and designers – all in sizes 14-32. As well as firm favourites like Anna Scholz and Joe Browns, for Autumn/ Winter we bring you the Grazia collection, new and exclusive to Simply Be, plus Frock and Frill back for a second season.

I love their clothes and could quite easily spend a fortune on their site. Real clothes for real women. They also have a fantastic footwear range, home style and electrical and now great christmas gifts.

If you are looking for a great christmas outfit or a smart work suit, Simply Be have ranges to fit all occasions. Go on and check them out.

As for me, I may be feeling nervous about Thursday but at least I’m not stressing about what to wear.

THANK YOU SIMPLY BE.

My granddad would never speak about the war. It didn’t matter how much I pressed him on the subject he stayed quiet. As an adult I wonder if the memories were too hard to face. Yet the photograph I have on my wall shows him wearing his navy uniform with pride.

Today we celebrate Remembrance Sunday. We come together to think about the men and women who for our peace and freedom gave their lives. We also remind ourselves of the many members of the armed forces who are still each and every day laying their lives on the line for our country, for us.

Brodie proudly holding the flag at the rememberance parade

As I watch the old soldiers’ laying down their wreaths I think of my granddad and wonder what memories they hold that torment them.  Sometimes we forget that sometimes the war doesn’t just begin and end on the battle front. We have soldiers coming home injured, scarred both physically and mentally.

Heroes each and every one of them!

salute for our soliders

As I watched Brodie carry the flag for her Brownie pack in the remembrance parade I was struck by the words ‘Let us not forget’.

I want my children to understand how much the members of the armed forces sacrifice for us all.

I never want them to forget, the fallen the injured.

I want to continue our support of the ‘Royal British Legion’ yet our donation in the basket seems so little in the bigger picture of it all.

I want them to remember each night in their prayers the people who are fighting to protect our freedom. Pray they all come home safe.

While yes today is a wonderful mark of respect, I want the girls to remember every day.

‘Let us not forget’

My girls, x

I have come to the conclusion that I really hate money. No matter how hard I try to organise, priorise and save it I never seem to have enough.

I could understand if I was living a lavish lifestyle but its far from it.

Yesterday I was stressing over christmas, the girls have already been warned that it’s a tight year (not fostering so not being paid). Yet my heart is still heavy. I am the one who is letting the marketing ploys get to me. “I would love Kennedy to have that”, “that would be cool for Eden” and “that is so cute for Brodie”. I line these thoughts up like needles which I then use to pierce my soul.

I know how lucky we are as a family, we have a roof over our heads, food in the cupboards. Yet I’m still wanting. I know I am a ungrateful madam.

I was put in my place by my insightful and incredibly loving daughter Brodie. “Mom after everything we have been through I’m just glad to have you and daddy and for christmas wrap me up some cuddles they are the things that matter to me”.

Lesson taken, yes money worries are an issue in life but cuddles with my daughter are priceless.

After everything I have lost I’m ashamed to say I lost sight of that for a while.

My stress

Sometimes I really do wonder if my girls have any concept of the meaning of the words they use. Of course we have the over used “wicked” and “awesome” but to be honest this I can cope with it’s the use of sentences like

“I’m starving”    -                        They have no real idea of what is like to be starving.

“Everybody else does”  –              I’m quite sure this is a slight overreaction.

“Chill out”            -                       Why would I wish to be cold?

“Dead good”      -                          How can something be dead and good at the same time?

“You’re stressing me”-                 Welcome to my world

So what do your children say that drives you mad?

Oh and by the way did you know when they say someone is fit it has nothing to do with their exercise routine.

I’m starting to feel really old.