It has been two years since my daughter died. Two years and yet I have survived, how I don’t know only through God’s grace.

Yet I’m not sure I should have survived. I lost my daughter why when my heart is broken so ragged and torn do I awake each morning. Why haven’t I fell into the pit of despair? Does she question my love for her? I pray not. I love my daughter with every breath that I take; I too am surprised I continue to live.

Two years, 730 days, minutes, hours, seconds. Does the date really matter, I feel like time stopped when my heart broke.

Livvy 16 months

Livvy died two years ago today 7^th November 2008 is imprinted in my mind my heart. An anniversary yet it is far from a celebration. To be honest I can’t comprehend how long has passed. It still feels like it was only yesterday. I find it hard to understand how the world just carries on as if nothing has happened.

So much has happened since that day, as a family we have faced so much. We have survived but with scars that will last us a lifetime.

I have changed more than I believed was ever possible, I have found strength I didn’t know existed.

I have memories that at times bring me joy and other times bring me pain. Yet I am so grateful for those times, those special memories we created.

8th birthday

It’s so strange when we meet new people and they ask the question “how many children do you have?” Four beautiful girls their eyes glance at the girls and the confusion crosses their faces.

How do I explain that Livvy is with Jesus, it doesn’t get easier with time, in fact it’s become harder. The shock wears off, the numbness disappears and you are left with the cold hard agony of reality.

I asked Alan “why we carry on?” it’s simple, for Kennedy, Eden and Brodie and for Livvy. Livvy never gave up, she took life and lived it, ever second was a second to be embraced to the full.

My faith has given me strength when I have felt the desire to just give up God talks softly to me, in the quietness of my broken heart. He whispers the words I need to hear, “she is with me, in my arms, and I’m holding her until you can”.

Ecclesiastes 12.7

“And the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it”

On Livvy’s gravestone we have the words “May your spirit fly free” in fact the words are now on Granddad’s arm with her name. We know without a doubt that Livvy is free, in our Lord Jesus’ arms. Free from pain, free from disability, free from the evil of Rett syndrome.

I still have a long journey before me, the destination of life. I’m not sure where it will take me but I know I’m not facing it on my own. In my heart I carry my baby with me, her strength, her determination her amazing loving spirit is there inside every vessel of my beating heart.

I hold on tight to my daughter, I close my eyes  I can smell her freshly washed hair, I listen closely I can hear her infectious giggle, I am stroking her smooth soft cheek holding her sweet hand in my mine.

My baby in my arms, where i wish she could be

Yes it’s been two years but I’m holding on to the promise of eternity.

John 3.15

“That everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

“Never does a moment pass when I don’t miss you Livvy, until I get to hold you again, I love you”.xxxx

Eternity

It’s that time of week when we join up with the faith jam at Faith Barista. Again Bonnie has set my heart on fire and my fingers pounding on the keyboard. I’m not sure this is exactly what she wished for but the heart is what it is…

Guilt

Guilt and I are best friends, I invite him stay in my heart whenever he feels like it. To torture my soul and to change the way I see myself.

I feel guilty for surviving.

My daughter died and I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t change it. 

I know there were reasons, Rett Syndrome, viruses, medical issues but it doesn’t stop the pain.

I survived when she didn’t. I have carried on without her. I shouldn’t have, why my body didn’t fail when hers did.

My heart broke yet my body carried on, why did it?

I feel the ache in my broken heart, my baby, I watched her being born why did I have to watch her die.

I am her mother I should have been able to do something.

Why wasn’t I strong enough to fight Rett syndrome, fight harder for the cure.

Why, why, why??

You see I have yet to work out how to let my guilt go, how to shake off the feelings that control my heart, my head.

I have found myself on a journey, slowly laying these feelings at the feet of Jesus, I cry into his words, burying them deep in my heart. They bring me peace, I trust in his unconditional love.

Each day is a step forward, some are a step back but when I fall as I often do our Lord is always there to catch me.

I am slowly learning to open my heart about the guilt that consumes me, trust in others to help me work through my pain. It’s a journey without an end in sight but at least I know the destination.

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted

K – ” I can’t find my coat I have to leave now”

Me – “I told you to get organised last night”

K – ” Well I thought about what I needed”

Me – “doing would have been better than thinking”

K – “Well how I was I to know I was going to lose my coat”.

Arrrrahhhh, sorry for that but some days that’s all I want to do. I love my girls but ever school morning every outing is always preceded by stress and chaos. I have tried everything to get them organised, yet I find myself repeating the same things over again.

The crazy thing is they didn’t used to be like that. B my youngest still isn’t. Her bedroom is always tidy and she is always prepared the odd episode over lost socks but hey I can cope with that.

My two teenagers are a different story their room should have a health warning attached to it and no matter how much notice you give them they are never ready.

I know I have to accept that they growing up but I need to work on their organisation skills and tidying skills, I couldn’t imagine them living on their own.

Then again if I was to jump back 15 years when I first moved out I can remember my mom saying “I hope you keep your home tidyer than your bedroom”.

That’s a scary thought; maybe it’s a generation thing we all go through. Whatever it is please God grant me more patience before I strangle the two little madams.

madams

Please don't grow up anymore x

14 Years ago, I wore this ;

and became this

Together we have faced so much, loss of our home, job but nothing  compared to the loss of our daughter.

Together we have survived. I survived because of my husband. He loves me with a love that is unconditional, a patience like no other. I am so blessed.

Whatever the future holds, by his side is the place I want to be.

Thank you God for allowing this

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ALAN, my heart is forever yours, I am so  proud to be your wife.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it doesn not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not-self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away”.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8