Kate over at .http://katetakes5.blogspot.com/….. Asked the question who would you invite to the ultimate dinner party, your guests could be anyone past or present. I believe the idea was for famous people so I hope Katie will forgive me for my interpretation.

Well anybody who knows me or is a regular reader of my blog won’t be surprised at my first chosen guest.

Number one guest would be of course be my late daughter Livvy. The chance to spend an extra moment in time with my beautiful daughter is a chance I would never miss. Yet enough is never enough and I guarantee there would be a great many courses for the dinner.  Also I would have to hope my other guests wouldn’t be to upset that I would be eating my food with my daughter in my arms.

My second guest would be my late Grandad. This man was my inspiration. He taught me my love of words and when he died I felt like my world died with him. I would love to be able to discuss my life with him and for him to meet my husband.

Third would be Nelson Mandela, I admire this man for many reasons. I would love to listen to him explain how he survived all those years in prison without anger. How he came out willing to unite people and care for people who had taken away his liberty.

Fourth and fifth would be Steven and Mary Beth Chapman. Steven’s voice has got me through some of the darkest days of my life and Mary Beth is an inspiration to me, when I feel my grief turning to anger or bitterness I turn to her book for comfort and strength.

So there you go my ultimate dinner party. Of course I am taking for granted the presence of my adorable girls and my amazing husband. They will always be my first choice for  dinner guests.

So pop over to http://katetakes5.blogspot.com/ and link up telling us who would be at your dinner party.

Well I did it. Just about survived the Christmas and new year period. As I sat here in the silence this morning as the girls were back at school. I felt full of relief.

Not relief because the girls were at school though  yes that is nice but relieved  because I could stop pretending.

The tears began to fall as I let the false smile fall from my face.

I can’t help it, I miss my daughter so much. Sometimes I can’t breathe as the grief overpowers me. But I know I can not let this be seen by the girls.

No that’s not strictly true, at times it is ok for the girls to see my grief it allows them to show their own. Yet at times of joy and celebration the smile has to be firmly in place.

Christmas is hard but I find new year the worst. It probably sounds insane but each time a new year starts I’m reminded that Livvy will never be part of it. 2008 is where our memories ended feel like I have left her there,  I hate this.

Reading up on the stages of grief I feel the information misses so much. It doesn’t explain how you can veer from acceptance to anger to pain in seconds. How one day all is well but the next the pain is so raw you feel like you insides are falling out.

How you can be happy and joyful at the same time as being sad and heartbroken.

I am so blessed and love my life yet at times I can be blinded by grieve to the joy I have around me.

What I have realised this holiday is the need for both. The time to love and laugh but also the time for sadness and tears.

I need those moments when I can cry from the missing. When I can get angry my lost.

Just as I need those times when I fall on the floor in giggles at my daughters antics.

Life is about finding balance. I’ve realised how easy it is to tip the scales both ways.

Today though my balance has been restored.

After ending 2010 with a disaster appointment at the dentist and then a subsequent migraine, the New Year was welcomed in by me hiding under the duvet in pain.

As the clock struck twelve I decided that all the stress, anger, frustration is being left in the old year.

I’m going to embrace this New Year with determination.

I’m not having a list of resolutions, just a list of desires.

I want to work harder on myself, healthier body, Healthier mind. Working on loving myself as my God loves me!

I want to work on my family. Spending special time with all and each as individuals. I think this is so important, especially as my older girls are teenagers and at times we struggle with each other. As we all know they learn a new language at this age but forget to teach it you.

I also want some quality time with my husband. We forget that working together isn’t always what one would class as quality time.

Friendship is something I want to blossom more in 2011. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and build on existing and new relationships with friends.

My budgeting skills need improvement.

Time studying God’s word. I want to learn more about my faith. To learn my faith, to live my faith!

Of course as I do this I will be using my blog to share my journey with you all.

I’ve loved watching my blog grow and the support I receive through the comments, via twitter and facebook have got me through some hard times.

Thank you all for your blogger love.

Yes I’m happy to be welcoming 2011 in!

May the New Year be filled for us all with love, laughter and true friendships!!!!!

God bless you all xxx