Today my daughter should be 14.

Posted on May 4, 2013 by admin

Today you would have been 14.

We would be all gathered together as a family to celebrate your special day. Spoiling you with attention and of course lots of gifts.

Yet we can’t.

Instead there will be an empty place at the table and all that we have to hold on to are our memories.

Each with a moment,

a memory, a gift that we cherish.

I confess I’m angry that I can only visit your grave today.

That I cannot hold your hand or stroke your beautiful blond hair. To twist one of those cute little curls around my finger.

To hold you close and share those light butterfly kisses.

It hurts,

I want to sing happy birthday to you and get to watch your eyes shine with laughter.

I want to watch you rip off the paper from your presents with impatience and excitement.

14 years old

I often wonder what you look like now.

How have you aged?

Is your hair still as curly as it was or has in grown down long and straight.

I wonder what you would have enjoyed if you were here, would you be a one direction fan? knowing you It would more likely be Paramour or the script. You loved the beat of rock music. Guns n roses were your favourite.

I can imagine you in band tops joining me in the love of anything gothic.

How I wish , how I wonder.

Its breaking my heart today, you should be here blowing out your candles. Trying to grab the biggest piece of cake. Loving all the attention this special day brings.

I know you would be cross at my sadness,

But my beautiful girl I miss you so much.

I’m angry that I have only had 9 of the 14 years.

Losing you is a pain like no other, a knife in my heart forever being twisted deeper.

I take your balloons, your flowers to your grave and the knife goes deeper.

But I think of you dear Olivia, I remember your courage your true audacity to never give in.

I close my eyes and hear you whisper on the wind.

I’m here mom, I’m playing with the balloons and smelling the flowers.

I’m here mom, by your side everyday.

Dry those tears mom, listen to my laughter as it carries on the breeze,

Feel my love wrap around you in the warmth of the sun.

I’m not gone, I’m just out of sight for a while.

Hold on mom, please hold on to my spirit and my strength.

I close my eyes

I feel you in the sun and I wrap myself up in the breeze.

You are my heart and as long as it beats you are with me.

I miss you sweet Olivia.

Happy heavenly birthday

14 today,

I love you to the moon stars and back again xxxxx

Happy 18th

Posted on February 1, 2013 by admin

My youngest daughter often asks me if they have birthdays in heaven?

My reply is always “of course, they also get to eat a whole chocolate cake without being sick”.

I honestly believe that birthdays are celebrated in heaven, it’s not about getting older just a celebration of who the person is.

What I also believe is that for those that get left behind the celebrations should go on.

They we should be able to light candles and put up cards to send birthday wishes to heaven.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do today.

I’m am sending heavenly birthday wishes to one very special young man.

Today he would have been stepping into adulthood.

Happy 18th birthday Ryan.

Always in our hearts.

Make sure Livvy doesn’t pinch your cake or your wine, we know she likes both.

Sending love to your beautiful family. Xxx

Happy birthday to my rebel

Posted on September 1, 2012 by admin

My friend once told me that you are guaranteed one child who will drive you insane, this beautiful girl is mine.

Meet my second daughter Eden.
Today she celebrates her 15 birthday

We affectionately call her the rogue, affectionate but so true.

From her early years she has challenged and exhausted but I love her spirit and determination.

She has a wicked sense of humour and a way of seeing the world that is engaging and different.

We joke that she is born to be a lawyer as she could talk her way out of everything.

Her heart is so passionate, she is the one who supports me in my advocacy for compassion and while she isn’t sure what she is going to do when she is older she knows it will involve missionary work in some way or form.

Did I mention how proud I am of her?

Besides driving her teachers insane she loves to learn just in her own unique way, school reports mention a lot of frustration ha ha yet her grades are rather impressive.

This young lady, inspires me, frustrates me and loves me with the passion she shows everything in life.

She has my heart, my respect and my pride.

I hope that life never changes her spirit.

Happy Birthday to my rebel.

I love you honey Xxxx

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

Posted on June 20, 2012 by admin

Sixteen years ago I became a mom for the first time. After an eventful labour I was presented with a beautiful baby girl.

You were so cute, so chunky and looked like a boxer, it was easy to see in your spirit that you were going to take on the world.

Sixteen years later you are a beautiful young lady, so determined and strong. You see what you want and you go for it so whole heartily.

This year especially has been one where you have really grown both in height (finally) and strength.

You have made me so proud the way you have studied hard for your GCSE’s preparing yourself, devising your own study timetable and canceling nights out. So grown up, so incredible. Whatever the results I am so proud of you.

Watching you change and find your own personality has been a blessing for me.

Your voice is amazing and every time I hear you sing I get goosepumps, never stop using your voice it a gift that needs to be shared.

Sometimes I miss the days when you were little you were my shadow and I loved it. I’m slowly learning to let go a little at a time. Hey I’m even getting used to the fact you have a boyfriend!

You may be celebrating your 16th today, but never forget you will always be my baby. My first born, my KK.

Happy Birthday sweet sixteen Kennedy.

Wishing you a life time full of love and happiness and never give up on your dreams as Dad and I are right behind you all the way.

P.S When did i get old enough to have a sixteen year old daughter.

Teenager in Heaven

Posted on May 7, 2012 by admin

On Saturday my beautiful angel would have turned thirteen.

Thirteen a right of passage into the world of the teenager.

I wonder what she would have been like at thirteen, would she have been full of hormones and drama like her sisters.

How would she have aged, would those adorable blond curls start to straighten, her blue eyes widen.

Im not sure how to feel, as we put up her cards and her special balloon.

I’m sad and angry all in one moment and so very lost.

We had a family meal Alan, I and the girls, just sitting and sharing our memories, so sweet, so bitter sweet.

We had balloons to release with messages to heaven. Ribbons to tie on the tree at her special place.

So many flowers adorn her grave, so much love, so much pain.

How do we go on? It’s a question I wonder everyday

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

Time is supposed to heal, I’m not sure that’s the truth. I feel that maybe in time you learn to the handle the pain easier, develop a higher threshold.

Livvy was an amazing young lady who blessed our life for nine and a half years. It wasn’t enough. Is it ever enough?

My heart aches to hold my sweet daughter once again. I hope dear Livvy you are causing chaos in heaven. May my grandparents be holding you close and have brushed your sweet cheeks with birthday kisses. Im saving all mine up until that blessed day when we are reunited.

I do have so much to be thankful for, three amazing daughters who bless my life each day. Who make me so proud with their kindness and caring well beyond their years.

They too miss Livvy desperately but together we have made a pact. We are going to live life like Livvy did. With courage, strength and joy and most of all with love and hope.

Our family may have one member in heaven but we are still a family.

Today is my birthday

Posted on April 27, 2012 by admin

Today is my birthday.

How different it is when you get older. Birthdays becomes less pretty and sparkly and more practical.

To be truthful, I’m not really keen on my birthday. It’s not the getting older that stresses me, just the memories of birthdays gone past.

Growing up money was tight, I have some memories, some good some bad.

I remember my 8th birthday vividly I had one of those plastic handbags and a fame outfit. I was so proud of that purple skirt and top. I danced for hours believing in the dream. I was so excited to be going to school to tell all my friends about my special day. Then my mom called me closer, “Measles” no school today. My birthday was on the Wednesday and as the week progressed by Friday I was diagnosed with German measles and the mumps. My goodness I was poorly.

So birthdays were days that came and went, my 18th was spent drunk for a week,on my 21st I was pregnant and married.

Then they began to change as my children got older the excitement returned as I celebrated my day through their eyes. The morning ritual of being woken with bouncing children on my bed. Presents and cards being thrust eagerly into my hands. Chorus’ of happy birthday ringing throughout the house.
Livvy screaming with excitement grasping at my gifts to rip the wrapping paper. Brodie trying her hardest to place them out of her reach.

Laughter returned to my day, their joy was the biggest and best birthday gift I can ask for.

Yet today is my fourth birthday without Livvy. Somehow we are struggling to bring back the sparkle to the day. We will work our way through the motions all so aware of the empty space on the bed and un ripped gifts.

So strange

So silent

So lost.

I will smile and enjoy my girls today. Cherish the love and kisses they will bestow on me. Open their gifts with the excitement they deserve.

I promise I will try.

Yet as they say, it’s the elephant in the room that tears at my heart.

I close my eyes and hear her sweet giggles and know kisses are being sent from heaven and one day our birthdays with be celebrated together again.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away- Unknown

A good day

Posted on September 2, 2011 by admin

Yesterday was one of those days where I look back and smile.

My second born was celebrating her 14 birthday. An early start at the ice rink with breakfast with friends followed by family visits. Then an afternoon at our foster agency fun day complete with a chocolate fountain, what more could you ask for. Oh that’s right a fun evening at church group.

As the end of the evening approached, I was tired but content especially after the big hugs and the comment “today was the best mom”.

I’m so glad my daughter had a great birthday, what more could a mom ask for.

Having to adapt

Posted on June 21, 2011 by admin

I feel ashamed of myself. Yesterday as we celebrated my daughters fifteenth birthday I was in a rather awful mood. I’m told no one noticed but I know my heart wasn’t in the right place.

As I watched my daughter open her presents and cards my heart was heavy. She is growing up and I don’t like it.

Don’t get me wrong she is beautiful, incredibly talented and at times the most frustrating child I have ever known. Yet she isn’t a baby anymore. In three years time she will be an adult.

I sat myself down for a talking to. Why was I so sad? Was I jealous of the life she has yet to live? No I’m excited to see where destiny takes her.

The truth is I’m scared, she doesn’t need me as much anymore. She can feed, clothe herself. She is venturing out in to the big wild world and yes I hate it.

From the moment I knew i was expecting I have protected this child all my children now I’m reaching the point in life where I cannot protect them always. It scares me silly.

Although you will hear me state that I am more that just a mum. Being a mother has completed me and while I know that I will always be their mum my role is changing. Slowly but surely they are all edging towards adulthood and independence. Even my ten year old tells me ‘she isn’t a baby anymore’. But the truth be told they will always be my babies.

I have a period of adaptation before me. I have to encourage their independence their growth and I also have to do it with a smile.

I’m trying!

The mask has slipped.

Posted on May 4, 2011 by admin

All this week I’ve had a throbbing headache. It’s felt like a storm raging inside my brain. Yet I know the truth behind the pain. It’s fear, grief and anger all fighting an internal battle inside my mind.

Today is Livvy’s 12th birthday and while you will find me talking to her sisters of heavenly birthday parties. Never-ending birthday cake to be shared with loved ones. My heart is so full of pain.

Today I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want survive I just want to fall into a vortex of nothingness free from the pain, free from the memories.

How and why do we have to carry on? It feels like my heart is completely broken yet it still beats.

My faith tells me that eternity awaits me. That I will see Livvy again but today the wait seems to long.

I close my eyes and can see her smile, her amazing blue eyes the blond curly hair as wild as her spirit.

How I wish I could hold her again. How I wish I could hear that giggle.

I look at pictures, watch videos but it’s just not enough. I reach out but all I feel is paper, the screen.

I’m so angry at life, so frustrated with God he has the answers but today I just can’t see them.

Yes Livvy is free from the evil of Rett Syndrome but she is also out of reach of mommy cuddles and nose kisses.

I’m lost today and not sure I want to be found.

The truth is I have to carry on, I have three amazing daughters that need me. They need me to put on the mask of happiness and smile at the memories, laugh with them at the stories.

So today as my daughter is 12 in heaven. I again become the actor in the play we call life. But my heart will never be complete as there is a missing piece waiting for me in eternity.

Happy 12th Birthday my darling Livvy. You are so loved. Never forget that. Xxxxxxxxxxxx

What do you say???

Posted on March 2, 2011 by admin

What do you say to a little girl who doesn’t want her tenth birthday to come?

It isn’t right, she should be full of excitement as she enters double figures. Yet all she can think of is that her big sister didn’t live to ten.

Her head is full of questions she is struggling to answer. To be honest I have no answers.

Will Livvy still be my big sister when I’m ten?

Why didn’t Livvy get to ten?

I tell her of heavenly birthday parties with as much cake as you could ever imagine. I remind her of Livvy’s freedom of the awful evilness of Rett syndrome, how her heavenly birthdays are free from seizures and pain.

Comfort is little for a little girl who misses her big sister so much. Talking about her today she told that me that sometimes it hurts to breathe, hurts to remember. How I know those feelings!

Yet I don’t want them for my nearly ten year old. I want the only thing to be worrying her about her birthday is what outfit to wear.

Part of me wishes I could take her away, throw her a big party but the reality of life and bills to pay don’t allow me to do this.

I just have to pray that my hugs, my love will be enough to make a hard day the special day it should be.