Is ok to feel this way?

Posted on April 26, 2013 by admin

I’ve had a really strange week, my emotions have been on a journey full of confusion and guilt.

Yes I’ve been feeling guilty.

Guilty for not feeling fulfilled.

That this life just isn’t enough.

That I want more.

I know that I have four amazing children and a great job as a foster mom and I cannot say for a moment that I don’t love being a mom but at times it’s not enough.

I also know I have a marriage that is so blessed and 18 years on we are still happy.

Yet it isn’t enough.

Is it wrong to want more?

Maybe it’s just pre- birthday blues, I don’t know. Yet as I turn 37 tomorrow I am feeling lost and unfulfilled?

Is it ok to feel this way?

Or should being a mother and wife be enough?

Is it wrong to want more?

To want something that’s mine?

When I was younger I used to spend afternoons reading and chatting with my grandad and he always told me to never settle for just enough, always reach for your dreams.

Those afternoons I spend dreaming of my future. The dreams I held.

To write a book.

To stop poverty.

To change the world.

I guess I was an idealistic kid, and slowly my naivety disappeared. But deep down inside of me a little of those dreams still hold on.

Being a mom, being a wife they are all such gifts which I hold dear but it’s as if they are pieces of an unfinished puzzle.

I’m searching for that missing piece that will make me complete. Make me whole.

I’m searching.

I want more.

Is it ok to say that ?

I’m not staying quiet

Posted on April 22, 2013 by admin

Are you a parent?

Do you think about your child everyday?

Do you rejoice in their achievements?

Share their antics with friends?

I will go out on a limb here and hazard a guess that the answer to the above questions is a YES.

I’m a parent, I have four beautiful girls. I dote on them all, they each have a unique personally that I simply adore.

Each have their own goals and have their own achievements.

I cherish every moment of them and yes at times I have wanted to literally strangle them.

Hey I’m human

Hey I’m a parent.

Yet for me there is one difference one of my children is in heaven. For the last four years death has separated me from my baby.

Yet she still is my daughter.

She is still her sisters sister.

Granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend.

Her death doesn’t just remove her from our life.

So I struggle to understand why people expect me to stay quiet.

To not mention my beautiful girl.

To not comment about her.

To not state how much my heart aches without her.

It’s as if people expect me to forget.

I love life, I cherish every moment of it. I love watching my girls grow, change and experience things.

I am moving forward but moving on doesn’t mean I have to forget.

I can remember her cheeky smile, her soft hands and her strong left hook.

I can remember her infectious giggle that would send us all into laughter.

I can remember, I can share.

She is still my daughter.

I’m not being held back, I’m moving forward with Livvy in my heart in my memory.

Of course at times the missing overwhelms, yet even in the pain I embrace life.

Life is a gift each day is a new present waiting to be unwrapped.

Yet just like every parent will tell you the moment you have your child. That child holds a piece of your heart wherever they are. Heaven or earth my girls are my heart and they always will be.

So don’t ask to me to stay quiet about Livvy. She is part of my life and always will be.

Freedom not fear

Posted on March 28, 2013 by admin

So the relevance of the coming weekend seems to be passing many by. The media is full of images of chocolate bunnies and roast lamb, yet the true reason behind the celebration is missing. Perish the thought that the cross would be mentioned, that Jesus who died in a truly horrific way for us would be spoken about in main stream media.

It feels like its shoved under the rug.

Hidden out of view.

Political correctness?

Yet why celebrate if there is no celebration?

Personally this weekend means so much to me. The cross is my freedom, my new birth.

My truth.

I am a sinner yet Jesus’ sacrifice washed away my sins.

Cleansed my soul

Set my heart free.

Yet this Easter feels a little different than others, maybe because I’ve struggled this year. Not with my faith but with being part of the church family. I’ve reverted to my old habits again. Barriers up and closing myself in.

Again the crazy thing is I know better. How can I build up friendships if I lock myself away?

How long will people be willing to try if i hold them at arms length?

I want so much to be part of a church family, to have my heart stirred up each week by passionate preaching and friendship.

Yet to find this I have to be there.

My head tells me one thing my heart says another.

My tired battered heart is frightened but here at Easter I have to remind myself of the courage of our Saviour.

Remind myself of the sacrifice he made so that I could live in freedom not fear.

Freedom not fear.

Epilepsy awareness day

Posted on March 26, 2013 by admin

Today is Epilepsy awareness day, a day where people across the world, share,educate and inform people about this condition.

I am too aware of epilepsy as it was condition that Livvy suffered from severely. A condition that played a big part in her death.

Livvy suffered from uncontrollable seizures, one time we counted over 106 in a day. We tried many medications and fought hard not to let them to control her life.

Lets just say it was an ongoing war,one which sometimes we won the battle other times we lost.

Epilepsy can be scary for both the one having the seizure and the one watching.

Epilepsy is also surrounded by myths, not that long ago sufferers were accused of being demons. Thankfully times have changed but still the need for awareness is there.

So I ask you today to click this link and learn more about this condition.

NaturePaint – Review

Posted on March 13, 2013 by admin

I love my husband to bits but he frustrates me when he procrastinates . About 4 months ago he decided he was going to decorate our living room and as you can imagine four months and four tester pots later I was no further forward.

So when I came across a review for a new kind of paint I decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to give him the kick up the butt he needed.

To be honest I was excited about NaturePaint as soon as I started reading up on it. As a family with a child with special needs the fumes from paint can cause a few issues and to be perfectly truthful every time we paint I end up with a migraine and this was something that I was not looking forward too but after reading up on NaturePaint I was hopeful that this wasn’t going to happen.

You see NaturePaint have five values which they call the 5 Ps

PEOPLE

As a paint made only from natural and non-toxic ingredients, we put people, their families and their health first. We’re here to ensure that the painting process is as safe and healthy as possible so you can decorate without worry.

So for us this is perfect, no nasty fumes causing me headaches.

PLANET

NaturePaint is fully biodegradable so any waste can be composted safely. All of our packaging is 100% recyclable for minimal impact on the planet. Unlike our competitors, we consider every aspect of our paint’s production from creation, to delivery to disposal. That’s why we can say we are the only paint brand completely free from harm.

This i found pretty impressive as we try as a family to protect the environment when we can.

PERFORMANCE

Our colour intensity, fade resistance and coverage is painstakingly tested and trialled to ensure we can match the industry standard. We’re committed to creating safe paint with no sacrifice.

This had me hopeful as many times you find things that are eco-friendly do not do the job as well.

PURITY

We won’t compromise on our ethics: all of our paint is free from carcinogens, petrochemicals, synthetic ingredients and VOCs. We are the only paint to be certified to be totally free of the compounds known to contribute to climate change.

Again this is fantastic and had me really excited, I value companies that stay true to their beliefs.

PROVENANCE

Our paint is made in Cornwall from natural and local materials including Cornish clays, French ochres and Italian sienna for naturally rich authentic colour.

To be honest this is good as anyone who has visited cornwall knows of the true beauty in the landscape etc.

So from only reading the website I was excited but like all things the proof is found in the end result.

So off I went on my happy little way to choose the colour’s I wanted for my living room.

Now I’m not a very adventurous person when it comes to bright colours. I am happier in a more muted, nature background. But to be honest whatever my taste and style was NaturePaint had a fantastic selection for me.

I was after a light natural colour and had loads to choice from, it was getting dangerous as I could not make a decision before my husband finally decided on Yarrow a lovely warm deep cream.

The delivery was quick but my husband did look rather puzzled when the box arrived, I think I had forgotten to mention that in came in powder form and he was expecting tins. WHOOPS

He had never worked with a powder before but he was willing to give it a go and found the whole mixing experience to be simple and easy.

Alan was soon working away and was really impressed with the coverage. He said he was really impressed with the consistency, to which I replied “I hoped he was painting not drinking it.”

The paint did go on really well and the whole room was painted in a number of hours.

I was really impressed with the colour but mostly I was super impressed by the lack of migraine. The first paint job ever that I had not received a migraine. That was a big thumbs up from me.

But to be honest as much as I try to explain the beauty of this paint I decided that proof would be more useful.

The finished living room.

I am really impressed with Naturepaint and so was my husband.

One of those moments

Posted on March 4, 2013 by admin

You know those moments when you pass on words of wisdom to your children only to find out later that they got it so very wrong.

Well a couple of weeks ago my youngest came home from school in tears an annoying boy had taken to looking at her waiting for her to look at him just to say “what you looking at”.

Now of course first we tried the just ignore him tactics and the don’t look his way ones too, but nothing was working and it was making her life miserable.

It was such as shame as senior school is hard enough without annoying boys. I mean she has all of her marriage to put up with that.

So my husband had enough of this boy and simply told her the next time he asked her “what you looking at” she should answer with the words and the old favourite “I don’t know they don’t label crap”.

Well anyway cue us sitting up the dinner table last night when Brodie told us that she had shut the boy up with what dad had told her to say. Of course we were pleased but then she continued with the words “he looked a little confused”.

What could be confusing about the statement?

So we asked Brodie what she had actually said.

She explained that when the boy said his usual “what you looking at” she had replied with.

” I don’t know, i don’t look at things that aren’t labelled” and then she added “you need to get yourself labelled “

Of course once we had picked up ourselves off the floor in hysterics we kindly explained where she had gone wrong.

Anyway the boy left her alone, confused maybe or frightened whichever one it worked.

Memories in the making.

My beautiful quilt

Posted on February 25, 2013 by admin

Growing up I was a big fan of television programmes like The Walton’s and The Little House on the Prairie. I just loved the old world charm and the innocence of them all. They were as far from my life as you could imagine.

One of the things I used to admire was the patchwork quilts that were to be found on the beds, sofas over the arms of the grandmas.

My dream was to one day have my own family and to create one of these beautiful quilts for my children.

Well like always dreams go astray from time to time. I did in fact get the beautiful family but quilt making wasn’t going to happen,the fact that I struggle to thread a needle maybe be the barrier.

Thankfully I came across a wonderful blog called The Larger Family and one of the business Tania runs is Sullivan Country Crafts and to my complete joy quilt making.

Tania was fantastic, she listened to my dreams and how I had always imagined the quilt to be and searched for the right material and pattern.

When my quilt arrived I can tell you I cried on opening it.

It was better than I could of ever imagined. The material is of such a high quality and the craftsmanship is simply OUTSTANDING

Already this quilt is loved and my girls are now arguing over who inherits it. (bless them).

It is totally perfect and even my husband commented on its beauty and he is a man.

Anyway if you fancy owning one of your own beautiful quilts pop on over to Sullivan Country Crafts and let Tania create your heirloom.

I promise you won’t be disappointed

Birthdays are special

Posted on February 19, 2013 by admin

I’ve been thinking about birthdays recently and how sometimes we don’t realise how special each one is.

I guess as you get older the excitement wears off, I mean who really wants to be old.

But I believe that we look at it the wrong way.

A birthday marks the passing of another year that you were blessed to be here.

Now I don’t wish to sound maudlin or miserable far from it, I want us to realise the celebration of life.

When my children were younger every birthday had a party, we celebrated with family and friends. It was a celebration a real time to rejoice, but as we all get older its becomes less so.

I think often of Livvy and the fact that we only had 9 birthdays to celebrate with her. I give thanks that we celebrated each one in style.

But it shouldn’t take the fear of loss to make us celebrate each other. Each year we get to spend together is special, it is a gift and should be rightly appreciated as such.

Birthdays are times to let the people you love and cherish know how much you value them.

So be it a 21st or a 42nd let’s celebrate the gift of a year and the blessing of having each other in our lives.

Hey, Who needs sleep???

Posted on February 12, 2013 by admin

I hate early mornings and I will bribe, pay beg myself out of this parenting shift if I can. My poor suffering husband ( his words) has always been kicked out of bed for that first morning bottle, rousing the kids or if the postman is at the door.

It is a well known fact that I can sleep through any alarm , banging door, earthquake etc.

It’s strange though as this is only the case when Alan is asleep beside me, if I’m on my own its like I have hypersense. the first cry, car doors opening , movement from the kids.

Anyway when I know I have an important start the next day, I really struggle to sleep. Say I have a train to catch, have to get on the road early or the girls have to be somewhere. I just cannot relax the night before enough to sleep probably. This of course isn’t great when you have a jam packed day to look forward to.

This was the case today, my youngest had signed up for a before school archery class and had to be there for 7,30am on the dote.

Again I found myself unable to get to sleep, clock watching, anticipating the alarm.

Well that is until around 6 am when I fell into an exhausted deep sleep and completely out of it.

Then of course at 6,30am I was gently shoved awake by my dear husband as my alarm had woke him and to his understanding the whole of our street.

Why oh why, the only good thing about this was that my daughter had a great time at archery class.

I of course will survive on coffee all day or maybe a red bull or three.

Lucky I love this girl.

My snow week

Posted on January 27, 2013 by admin

Wow, what a week, we’ve been snowed in, we have had autistic tantrums and teenage strops and somehow, I’m not sure how, I have managed to survive with my sanity intact.

Seriously who would have believed that fluffy white snow could bring a country to its knees?

I have to admit it’s made me cross, weather reporters have been harping on for years that our seasons were changing and we were going to see some extreme weather yet we were still unprepared. Isn’t it about time we chatted to our colder weather friends take Canada for example and got some tips on how to function in extreme snow. (Please note I use the word extreme rather loosely).

Snow is fun for the first few hours then it just becomes cold, wet and annoying. Also anything that closes the schools loses my votes.

Talking of votes what a week, we have seen Celebrity Big Brother come to an end. What am I going to do each evening now, I need my Speidi fix. Though I do believe the right person won in the end, I hated Ryland in X factor but he has slowly grown on me from the big brother house. Also my youngest told me i looked like Claire from Steps but with black hair (i wish). To be honest I still cannot believe how addicted I found myself. I really think I need to get out more.

Its has been a strange week and I have found myself coming to a decision regarding how much I allow myself to be hurt by others. I have decided I need to take a step back and focus on my family and myself a little more.

I’ve also been at the doctors having an ECG done, it seems I do actually have a heart, now we have found it we simply need to get it to behave a little better. Its just wants to beat to its own drum upsetting the rest of my body. Dr is hoping its anxiety, me anxious never!

So there you go my exciting week, only been made easier by my new hobby BAKING, this week I have made a Vanilla and chocolate chip marble tray bake and a Victoria sponge and some Choc chip muffins oh and some custard too.

I’m really enjoying my new hobby and love watching the family enjoy something I have baked. I confess to getting exciting looking at new mixers too and watching the Great British Bake Off. I did mention I may need to go out more.

Seriously it’s been a weird week, but as it comes to end I’m am grateful for so much, my hubby and my kids especially.

I hope and pray you all have had a good week and if not tomorrow is a new beginning, well that’s what I’m telling myself. Xxx