Freedom not fear

Posted on March 28, 2013 by admin

So the relevance of the coming weekend seems to be passing many by. The media is full of images of chocolate bunnies and roast lamb, yet the true reason behind the celebration is missing. Perish the thought that the cross would be mentioned, that Jesus who died in a truly horrific way for us would be spoken about in main stream media.

It feels like its shoved under the rug.

Hidden out of view.

Political correctness?

Yet why celebrate if there is no celebration?

Personally this weekend means so much to me. The cross is my freedom, my new birth.

My truth.

I am a sinner yet Jesus’ sacrifice washed away my sins.

Cleansed my soul

Set my heart free.

Yet this Easter feels a little different than others, maybe because I’ve struggled this year. Not with my faith but with being part of the church family. I’ve reverted to my old habits again. Barriers up and closing myself in.

Again the crazy thing is I know better. How can I build up friendships if I lock myself away?

How long will people be willing to try if i hold them at arms length?

I want so much to be part of a church family, to have my heart stirred up each week by passionate preaching and friendship.

Yet to find this I have to be there.

My head tells me one thing my heart says another.

My tired battered heart is frightened but here at Easter I have to remind myself of the courage of our Saviour.

Remind myself of the sacrifice he made so that I could live in freedom not fear.

Freedom not fear.

Unrepairable

Posted on December 30, 2012 by admin

Losing a child breaks you in a way that can never be repaired.

You hold yourself together by pieces and patches.

Stress and fear becomes your companion. Imagine if your worse fear can come true everything else is a possibility.

People tell me to not to stress to trust but I did once before and I lost my daughter.

It’s so hard to just believe. To allow myself to let go of fear.

I try, I promise I try but sometimes grief is the only emotion I can fight so anxiety, fear and panic slip in under the radar.

I make myself promise
I’m not going to care as much
I’m going to switch off more
Take a step back from situations that really don’t effect me.

But I don’t, my heart engages before my head.

Life is complicated full of ups and downs and some how I need to learn how to go with the flow.

Any ideas, any suggestions all are welcome, I need 2013 to be the year I take control of my heart.

20 Seconds

Posted on October 24, 2012 by admin

I was watching the film “We brought a Zoo” the other night with my daughter. When the father talks to his son about the fact that it takes only 20 seconds of insane courage to achieve great things in life. It was a emotion that really struck at my heart as such a truth.

So many times I have felt myself in situations where I have been so scared to walk through a door, to get on a train, to approach someone. Lets be honest this list could be endless.

Yet from somewhere I have somehow found the courage to walk through the doorway, to jump on board the train and to say hello.

It’s those moments of committal that count when you know you cannot go back or walk away.

It’s those moments that have become memories I’ve cherished, ambitions I’ve accomplished, and friendships I’ve made.

So yes 20 seconds of insane courage can bring you more than you can ever imagine!

So if you are standing on the edge holding back through fear, remember just 20 seconds could change your life.

Go for it!

I couldn’t do it.

Posted on August 9, 2012 by admin

Ok after my brave post yesterday talking about finding the courage to have a complete family photo taken.

I have to confess today that I chickened out.

My big speech about Livvy being in our hearts so actually in the photo couldn’t hold me.

As the time drew near for our photography session my courage failed.

I have some stunning photos of my girls and my foster child together but Alan and I just couldn’t join in for the complete family shot.

Our family isn’t complete.

Maybe I need to take baby steps and just get a snap taken of us all together not one that will be turned into a canvas.

Maybe I just don’t know.

Some of you may think I’m a wimp but I’m hoping most of you will understand.

It’s hard, this grief journey is one of ups and downs and many twists and turns.

Sometimes I find my way.

Today I got lost.

I’m doing it again!

Posted on August 2, 2012 by admin

I’ve done it again.

Closed down the hatch and bolted it tight.

Pulled away when others came close.

Why do I do this when my heart craves for friendship

When my soul desires to belong.

I’m my own worst enemy, listening to the voice of evil in my head

They won’t like you , why bother

You will never be good enough, so why try

You don’t belong, so why join.

I feel like that child again, standing on the side of the school playground watching the children play.

The only teen not to visit the new
cool disco

Why do I allow myself to feel this way?

Why do I accept the voices in my head when they tell me I’m not worthy.

Jesus tells me I wonderfully made

Yet I listen to the lies the enemy is preaching at me

Anxiety is winning the battle within my heart.

I can feel the fear as it starts to slowly suffocate me.

It’s my asthma I pretend, but I know
It’s not.

It’s panic and fear all overwhelming me

How can I find the strength to stand strong.

I cannot

But I turn to the one that can

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
(Psalms 56:3, NIV)

Written in the sand.

Posted on July 26, 2012 by admin

Sometimes I find myself wondering if the world has moved too far forward.

If Livvy is a part of the past that is being forgotten.

Will she become one of the distant memories that only hang on in the edge of your mind.

I watch my girls living life and wonder if they remember their mischevious little sister and how life was when she was with us.

Today was one of those moments as I sat on the beach watching the world go by, just wondering.

Then my daughter called me over and showed me this.

How foolish am I?

Livvy will never be forgotten while there is breathe left in ones that love her.

Time passes,

Memories fade

but love is eternal

Forgotten

Posted on July 11, 2012 by admin

OH my dear beautiful girl I have forgotten….

What you taught us on those endless hospital nights, when the wards seemed empty and all I could hear was the infernal beeping of those annoying but lifesaving machines and the gentle beating of your precious heart.

I’ve forgotten what I saw in those doctors eyes when the words they spoke were taking away all our tomorrows.

I’ve forgotten

I close my eyes and try to remember, to just hear those sweet infectious giggles once again.

But I’ve forgotten.

Dad and I are tumbling head first into the world of forgetfulness, losing hold of the life that you taught us to live.

Forgetting to search for the gift that each day brings, the moment when that forever memory can be made.

I’ve forgotten

We’ve forgotten

Letting ourselves fall into the endless bog of circumstance and reality.

Forgetting to dance under the rainbows and search for leprechauns with a pots of gold.

Forgotten.

Those days of random dances in the middle of a store because the song we loved was playing over the radio.

To smile at people in the street as you chuckled away from your wheelchair.

To hug each other so tight until we cannot breathe anymore.

We’ve forgotten

When was the last time I laid back and watched the clouds

When was the last time I tickled your sisters until they cried.

My baby, my precious baby, I’ve forgotten.

I’ve let the anger of loss slowly eat away at my heart.

Getting colder and colder until the icicles formed.

Ive forgotten

To let the tears just fall and let the heart wrenching sobs escape my soul.

I need to breathe again

I need to trust again.

But I’ve forgotten

We knew we didn’t have forever but we had today and that was enough, but now yesterday seems so far away and this moment isn’t enough.

I want to dance in the rain again

Catch fairies as they fly through the air

I want to breathe so deep and not feel the ache thats buried there

I haven’t forgotten

How can things be the same?

How can the world keep on turning and why wont it stop and let me off?

The newspapers keep on printing and the radio keeps on playing.

You taught us all so much and in those nine precious years you gave a lifetime full of love.

Joy was a gift that was available to us, all we just had to do was unwrap this present they call life.

Whose knows what tomorrow may bring, I certainly don’t

But I can live for today.

I can tell everyone I meet how special they are

How wonderful it is that I’ve met them

That they are not forgotten

Just by being in your presence people felt love, your smile could make someone’s day.

I want to tell people to embrace the moment, not in a morbid you may die tomorrow way, but in a hey today is so beautiful way.

Our motto for you was Never say never

You defied the odds until our luck ran out

But you are the gift that keeps on giving

You are the heart that now beats in others.

Your love lives on in me, you dad, your sisters and anyone who knew and loved you.

I miss my old life so desperately

But I will not forget what you taught me

Each day is a gift a new beginning

So I’m going to start unwrapping the presents that I’ve been given

Stop wishing the days away

Stop holding on to the past

I’ve not forgotten

How can I forget,

You are right here in my heart reminding me.

In my heart.

Believing in myself

Posted on June 21, 2012 by admin

Today one of my daughters told me off. I was moaning about how nervous I was for this weekends Brit mums live when she told me straight.

“mom if you don’t believe in yourself how do you expect others too.”

Bang, right in my face!

How true , here I am harping on about my nerves probably making you all think I’m some kind of sloppy wimp.

When the fact is that’s not true.

Ok I’m not an overly outgoing person but I can and do generally chat to anyone, anywhere.

I have spoken in public numerous times on different subjects and do actually really enjoy it.

I also liaise with professionals from all walks of life on a weekly if not daily basis.

I am the co-founder of a charity Livvy’s Smile which is growing fantastically and have hosted and organised numerous events.

I’m also a writer both here and in other places including the Compassion UK Blog and fostering publications.

I’m also a mom to four incredible girls and a foster mom to one young man.

And to top it all off I’m also in the Brilliance in Blogging Inspire category final with Brit Mums, how about that.

So come on girl pull yourself together.

One gigantic kick up the bum coming my way.

So from now on I’m stepping forward with a new attitude.

I’m going to start believing in myself more.

And in the words of Babe Ruth

Don’t let the fear of striking out hold you back. – Babe Ruth

I was a brave mommy

Posted on June 12, 2012 by admin

I kept my promise, I didn’t let the tears fall until the coach turned the corner. I was a brave mommy and she was a brave daughter.

Brave mommy & Daughter

I could only smile sweetly to the other parents as I walked to car, no words would form on my lips.

I know it’s silly, it’s a school trip for goodness sake. A chance for fun laughter and adventure. I hope it’s filled with all of these and so much more and friendships that will bind for a lifetime, but I’m going to miss her like crazy.

She isn’t my baby anymore, at 11 she is nearing those teenage years but like her sisters before her, she will always be my baby, they all are.

Growing up

Yet this sweet one is my last born, no more rocking newborns through the night.

No more sweet toddler kisses.

She is growing up and way to soon for this mommy’s heart.

This school term is her final at primary, September will see her join her big sisters in the world of senior school. She is nervously excited, I am nervously sick.

She is now an ocean away, out of this country out of my reach.

I know it’s only five days, but right now it’s five days to many.

I’ve sat here watching the Disney channel, laughing at Austin and Ally pretending she is on the sofa next to me.

Crazy isn’t it. Sad, well maybe a little.

Her big sisters are offering extra hugs partly to ease my pain and partly due their missing of their little sister.

At times she drives them insane but they are so protective over her. They are missing her dry humour but not her tell tales.

I am fighting not to wish the week away, to enjoy the events I have planned but it’s hard.

I’m a typical mother hen needing her brood around her, I hate it when they go away but still I want them all to experience all the adventures that life has to offer.

So for Brodie I am praying she has an amazing time in France, enjoys the adventure sports and the sunshine but for myself I am praying for a week that flies by. Staying busy and staying occupied and maybe that means more Disney channel.

Explaining Me

Posted on January 21, 2012 by admin

I’ve been thinking a lot about scripture and how some verses just cling to your hearts. They pop up in your thoughts at given times.

When you are exhausted you can one think of one with strength.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
(Psalms 46:1-1, NIV)

When you are lost, one reminds you of direction.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
(Psalms 32:8, NIV)

When you are scared one reminds you to trust.

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
(Isaiah 26:4, NIV)

I have many that inspire, consume and replenish my soul.

The verse you see below was the inspiration behind naming this blog it is one I hold dear to my heart. I know my life has been blessed many times by angels.