A mom or a referee?

Sometimes I feel less like a mother and more like a referee.

Always negotiating, enforcing rules.

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Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Everyone warned me that it could be like this but I never expected a war zone to be found in my living room.

I love my girls and while I accept that growing up and finding their freedom is part of life’s journey. I’m not happy that they have decided each day is an opportunity for a battle.

How can they go from being best friends to worst enemies?

Seriously it’s driving me mad.

I am proud I have raised such independent spirited young woman but hey please let them take on the world and leave their poor mama alone.

I am tired and emotionally shattered with this parenting stage.

Reminiscing and yearning for the days of night feeds and dirty nappies. I may have been exhausted back then but at least they didn’t answer back so much.

I know its a stage that all go through and one day my beautiful kind caring girls will return and the dragon headed all knowing beautiful monsters will disappear but its so not easy.

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I recognise this year is going to one of big changes, university, college it certainly is  going to bring a new dynamic to the relationships of the girls.

A new dimension in their sisterhood.

I’m praying a little space will make hearts grow fonder.

Who knows?

I guess until then I will resign myself to the role of mediator for a little longer.

So does anyone have a whistle?

 

Spreading their wings.

I’m throwing in the towel.

Where school holidays and the older two teenagers are concerned.

I seriously give up.

Nothing ever pleases them.

Nothing is right.

One doesn’t want to go out.

One doesn’t want to do childish things.

So I’m giving up trying to find things that make all happy.

The older teens can just bog off and that’s me being polite.

My younger two have the right to do things they enjoy and what the older two used to enjoy before they grew up into annoying pains.

So no more.

We are going to have fun without them.

Their choice not mine.

It’s not easy letting go but its time.

They need to spread their wings and I need to allow the younger two to be young.

I knew this time would come.

Just wish I was ready for it.

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My baby girl

My greatest decision.

My twelve year old daughter lies beside me. Her gentle snores whisper through the night. Cuddles and stories have led to her falling asleep beside me. It’s so very special and so very missed.

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Nights of stories and cuddles were swapped for iPhones and DVDs.

Telling me all about her day changed to a closed door and the tapping of keys.

My girls are growing up and I’m afraid. Afraid they will no longer want to sleep in my arms.

Share their dreams and adventures.

My eldest reaches adulthood this year and my heart is filled with fear.
I have to let her go, watch her spread her wings and fly. University, leaving home, independence.

I am so proud of my girls even when their teenage tantrums drive me insane.

But letting go isn’t easy.

Motherhood is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

But as I watch my daughter sleep I realise something. I’m not losing my daughters as they grow. I’m gaining young beautiful woman who will set the world alight in whatever they wish to do.

With their sweet hearts they will love on others and bless this world.

They will grow and age but they will also live and learn.

The whole world is there for them to explore. Life becomes the greatest adventure.

And I will be their biggest fan, watching, waiting, supporting them in all they wish to achieve.

Yes there comes a time when they have to leave home.

But

They will never leave my heart.

And as for cuddles at bedtime my arms are always open wide for my beautiful girls.

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My greatest decision

Sweet Seventeen

I cannot believe that today you my baby are old enough to drive.

Where has those 17 years gone?

How quick does it seem since you were like this.

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You have faced so many things in your 17 years. Things no child should face, yet you has done so with such grace.

The last year hasn’t been easy for us. You fighting for your independence me holding on scared to let you grow, go.

You are an inspiration to me.

Your determination, your drive are all things are admire so much.

I love the way you sing everywhere, the shower, eating your dinner even shopping. I did say everywhere.

The next year is going to be one of many changes, A levels, university placement choosing.

Big changes.

Wherever and whatever the next year brings I will always be in your corner.

Love you lady to the moon, stars and back again.

Happy 17th birthday

My beautiful big girl.

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My baby is now a senior

That’s it no more school run!

My baby is now officially a senior.

I can’t believe how grown up
She looks all dressed up in her uniform.

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My eldest is now in 6th form, my 2nd in year 10 and my baby in year 7.

How did this happen?

No playground duty, no school drop offs or pick ups.

I only have to wave them off.

I’m not liking it at all.

What do our children have to grow up?

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End of an Era

I watched my daughters school play today, it was based on the Olympics and was really good and very humorous. My husband, I and my mom had a great time.

 

Yet as I was sitting there watching the stage full of year 6 I was struck by the fact that this week brings an end to an era for us known as primary education.

 

This week I have watched my last primary school play, will attend my last leavers service and will soon be doing my final school run.

 

All my babies are actually now fully fledged senior school children. How in the world did that happen?

 

It only feels like yesterday I was crying on the school playground as I  watched my daughter enter the classroom for her first day at school, 7 years on, here I am.

 

Now I’m going to say this all loosely because as you all know I dream of adoption so if my dreams become reality one day I will be doing this all again, though of course a little different as I will hopefully one day adopt a special needs child.

 

But I’m regressing again in the here and now this is a big thing for me, no more school runs, no more school playground politics this it.

 

I will be waving all four off at the door in September.

 

What shall I do with the time?

 

Will I use the time saved by not having to do the school run to stay on top of the housework? 

 

Yeah like thats going to happen.

 

Maybe I will get my paperwork in order and blog posts out on time.

 

Errrrmmm, we will see.

 

I haven’t a clue, to be honest the time will probably get lost in the norm.

 

The real thing I have to get my head around is that my baby is no longer a baby.

 

She is off to senior school.

 

Not sure I like the idea of her being in that big place surrounded by those evil beings we call teenagers.

 

No seriously ,I’m not that worried she has had plenty of practice with her sisters.

 

Senior school is going to be a great thing for Brodie, her desire to learn is great so hopefully this will encouraged and nurtured.

 

As for me I will be a brave mommy and wont cry as I stand on that playground for the last time. Wont blubber all the way through the leaving service even when she sings her solo.

 

I will be a brave mommy who looks forward to the freedom of no school runs and the opportunity to stay in my pjs all morning and catch an extra hour in bed.

Ok maybe thats a big fib, I will be sobbing and refusing to accept my baby is growing up, but isn’t that a mothers right?

 

Always my baby

 

My Sleeping Gifts

Do you remember the moment you first lay your newborn down to sleep?

 

Did you stand there and watch the gentle rising of her chest?

 

Just wallowing in the wonder of parenthood.

 

That beautiful precious child is yours.

 

A gift from God

 

I still wallow in this gift.

 

I stand and watch my girls sleep and revel in the innocence of the land of dreams.

 

No stress of exams or SATs of boys and friendships.

 

Just peace.

 

I love checking in on my girls and night and seeing them like this.

 


 

My babies, my world, my gifts.

 

 

** I did check with my girls before posting these photos.

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

Sixteen years ago I became a mom for the first time. After an eventful labour I was presented with a beautiful baby girl.

 

You were so cute, so chunky and looked like a boxer, it was easy to see  in your spirit that you were going to take on the world.

Sixteen years later you are a beautiful young lady, so determined and strong. You see what you want and you go for it so whole heartily.

 

This year especially has been one where you have really grown both in height (finally) and strength.

You have made me so proud the way you have studied hard for your GCSE’s preparing yourself,  devising your own study timetable and canceling nights out. So grown up, so incredible. Whatever the results I am so proud of you. 

 

Watching you change and find your own personality has been a blessing for me. 

 

Your voice is amazing and every time I hear you sing I get goosepumps, never stop using your voice it a gift that needs to be shared.

 

 

 

Sometimes I miss the days when you were little you were my shadow and I loved it. I’m slowly learning to let go a little at a time. Hey I’m even getting used to the fact you have a boyfriend!

 

You may be celebrating your 16th today, but never forget you will always be my baby. My first born, my KK.

 

Happy Birthday sweet sixteen Kennedy.

 

 

Wishing you a life time full of love and happiness and never give up on your dreams as Dad and I are right behind you all the way.

 

http://youtu.be/Q7sgdR9Oxs8

 

 

 

P.S When did i get old enough to have a sixteen year old daughter.

Watching them grow

My big two have been away this weekend and I have really missed them.

The house was so quiet, no arguments, no dodgy music blaring from each bedroom competing with each other.

I even managed to get into the bathroom on my first attempt.

Yet in the quietness I was struck by two things.

Firstly I prefer noise, I love the hustle of a busy home.

Secondly they are growing up, how many more years will they be at home. K is 16 this year, E is 15, they are both heading towards adulthood at a alarming pace.

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It only feels like yesterday life was a merry go round of baby appointments and toddler groups, now it’s youth groups, parties and boyfriends.

I knew it was going to happen one day but truthfully it has snuck up on me.

There came a moment quite suddenly a mother realized that a child was no longer hers. … without bothering to ask or even give notice, her daughter had just grown up.-Alice Hoffman

They are great girls, they have visions and dreams for the future and are determined to see them come true. Bright, beautiful, annoying and totally amazing each in their own unique way.

I’m not ready for all of this. I’m not ready for them to be grown ups.

I need to be needed. I want to go back to being the centre of their world.

When I had my first daughter my mom said “cherish these moments as they don’t stay little for long”. I didn’t understand at the time, I thought I had forever, but they do grow In a blink of an eye.

My advice to any new mother is as my mom said, cherish every moment.

I guess I’m going to have get used to them growing up, admiring the young woman they are becoming, but the ache is still there in my heart. I know they still need me but it’s different. They turn to friends, boyfriends for advice now also.

It’s not easy being a parent, at first you wonder if you will ever survive those sleepless nights, now it’s the fear of letting go.

Saying all this I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I love being a mom and my girls rock.

As for poor B my baby maybe I’m just going to lock her away and keep her my baby forever. The curse of being the youngest I suppose.

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Having to adapt

I feel ashamed of myself. Yesterday as we celebrated my daughters fifteenth birthday I was in a rather awful mood. I’m told no one noticed but I know my heart wasn’t in the right place.

As I watched my daughter open her presents and cards my heart was heavy. She is growing up and I don’t like it.

Don’t get me wrong she is beautiful, incredibly talented and at times the most frustrating child I have ever known. Yet she isn’t a baby anymore. In three years time she will be an adult.

I sat myself down for a talking to. Why was I so sad? Was I jealous of the life she has yet to live? No I’m excited to see where destiny takes her.

The truth is I’m scared, she doesn’t need me as much anymore. She can feed, clothe herself. She is venturing out in to the big wild world and yes I hate it.

From the moment I knew i was expecting I have protected this child all my children now I’m reaching the point in life where I cannot protect them always. It scares me silly.

Although you will hear me state that I am more that just a mum. Being a mother has completed me and while I know that I will always be their mum my role is changing. Slowly but surely they are all edging towards adulthood and independence. Even my ten year old tells me ‘she isn’t a baby anymore’. But the truth be told they will always be my babies.

I have a period of adaptation before me. I have to encourage their independence their growth and I also have to do it with a smile.

I’m trying!

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