I was blown away by Rend Collective

Posted on May 14, 2013 by admin

Have you ever have one of those days that blow you away?

A moment that you never expected that makes your heart beat that little faster.

I had one of those amazing experiences Sunday night.

I was advocating for Compassion UK at a Rend Collective tour date.

Now I knew I was going to have a good night as I love volunteering with Compassion but I never expected to be completely blown away by some amazing music and fantastic worship.

The evening started with the artist Ben Cantelon to be honest I knew off him a little but hadn’t really heard much of his music but I have to say he was pretty incredible. He stirred up your heart in a way that you could sense the of the whole atmosphere of the church change.

Then Rend Collective took to the stage and WOW the place just lit up. Never have I seen such energy in a performance, in the music.

There was no fancy lights, no big instruments it was raw incredible talent being shown all to bring glory to God.

Their music was so fresh that I was just blown away.

“Rend Collective Experiment is an eclectic collective of multi-instrumentalists from the North of Ireland. An inherent desire for something spiritually substantive in our increasingly artificial world is exactly what brought the movement of friends together. United by a common purpose, these twenty-somethings began exploring the intersection between God, life and community.”

The night was the final one of their Campfire tour and my goodness they were incredible. Yes I am gushing as they simply gave me an incredible high and called me closer to God than I have been in a while.

Yet it wasn’t just the music that stirred my heart as the members of the band spoke about the need for us to remove ourselves from the artificial and connect with the real. That to be the church that Jesus calls us to be doesn’t just require us just to attend a building every Sunday but to live as the light.

So many of us attend our weekly service and thats great, but we should never leave church the way we came in.

I needed to hear these words, I needed so badly to feel this worship. I’m not having a crisis of faith just feeling lost about church.

Worship doesn’t have to happen in a church on a sunday, we can worship God in our homes, in our schools, in our play, around a campfire.

Faith isn’t a thinking its a doing.

If you have never heard of Rend Collective I cannot urge you enough to go check them out and Ben Cantelon too.

Their music is different, their music is raw, their music is soul refreshing.

Enjoy, I certainly did.

I’m not staying quiet

Posted on April 22, 2013 by admin

Are you a parent?

Do you think about your child everyday?

Do you rejoice in their achievements?

Share their antics with friends?

I will go out on a limb here and hazard a guess that the answer to the above questions is a YES.

I’m a parent, I have four beautiful girls. I dote on them all, they each have a unique personally that I simply adore.

Each have their own goals and have their own achievements.

I cherish every moment of them and yes at times I have wanted to literally strangle them.

Hey I’m human

Hey I’m a parent.

Yet for me there is one difference one of my children is in heaven. For the last four years death has separated me from my baby.

Yet she still is my daughter.

She is still her sisters sister.

Granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend.

Her death doesn’t just remove her from our life.

So I struggle to understand why people expect me to stay quiet.

To not mention my beautiful girl.

To not comment about her.

To not state how much my heart aches without her.

It’s as if people expect me to forget.

I love life, I cherish every moment of it. I love watching my girls grow, change and experience things.

I am moving forward but moving on doesn’t mean I have to forget.

I can remember her cheeky smile, her soft hands and her strong left hook.

I can remember her infectious giggle that would send us all into laughter.

I can remember, I can share.

She is still my daughter.

I’m not being held back, I’m moving forward with Livvy in my heart in my memory.

Of course at times the missing overwhelms, yet even in the pain I embrace life.

Life is a gift each day is a new present waiting to be unwrapped.

Yet just like every parent will tell you the moment you have your child. That child holds a piece of your heart wherever they are. Heaven or earth my girls are my heart and they always will be.

So don’t ask to me to stay quiet about Livvy. She is part of my life and always will be.

Freedom not fear

Posted on March 28, 2013 by admin

So the relevance of the coming weekend seems to be passing many by. The media is full of images of chocolate bunnies and roast lamb, yet the true reason behind the celebration is missing. Perish the thought that the cross would be mentioned, that Jesus who died in a truly horrific way for us would be spoken about in main stream media.

It feels like its shoved under the rug.

Hidden out of view.

Political correctness?

Yet why celebrate if there is no celebration?

Personally this weekend means so much to me. The cross is my freedom, my new birth.

My truth.

I am a sinner yet Jesus’ sacrifice washed away my sins.

Cleansed my soul

Set my heart free.

Yet this Easter feels a little different than others, maybe because I’ve struggled this year. Not with my faith but with being part of the church family. I’ve reverted to my old habits again. Barriers up and closing myself in.

Again the crazy thing is I know better. How can I build up friendships if I lock myself away?

How long will people be willing to try if i hold them at arms length?

I want so much to be part of a church family, to have my heart stirred up each week by passionate preaching and friendship.

Yet to find this I have to be there.

My head tells me one thing my heart says another.

My tired battered heart is frightened but here at Easter I have to remind myself of the courage of our Saviour.

Remind myself of the sacrifice he made so that I could live in freedom not fear.

Freedom not fear.

With love xxx

Posted on February 14, 2013 by admin

Today is the day when the world gets filled with love. We bring gifts to the one we love, we remind them how much we love and cherish them.

My heart is with my husband today and everyday.

Love isn’t just for valentines day it’s for eternity.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

<< 1 Corinthians 13 >>
English Standard Version

Memory on a farm

Posted on February 7, 2013 by admin

After chatting to someone of twitter last night I found myself clicking through to their website and after doing so found myself going back nearly five years to the memory of our last holiday with Livvy.

We were staying in a static caravan in West Wales on a beautiful farm. They only had one static caravan and a few holiday cottages so the place was so peaceful, unless of course you count the noise from the chickens or the barking of the farm dogs or the baaing of the sheep. We didn’t we simply loved being on the farm.

Anyway while we were there we chatted a little to the farmer and his wife who were a lovely couple. The farmer offered the girls a ride in his tractor and of course you can imagine the squeals of joy that came from them and true to his word a few days the girls are circling his field in the big red tractor.

I remember if it was yesterday as unfortunately Livvy had suffered a seizure on this day (one of many) and was asleep recovering in the caravan. So although it was great to see the other three zooming around the field I was gutted that Livvy had missed out as we knew she loved the tractor, but we had no control of these things and sometimes we just had to accept this. We were just so grateful that the farmer took time away from his farming duties to give the girls a ride, the looks on their faces were priceless.

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Anyway that was that, well we thought that was the case until a couple of hours later the farmers wife knocked on the caravan door. It seems her husband couldn’t bear the thought of Livvy missing out on the tractor ride and if she was well enough would she like to ride tomorrow.

Bless that mans kind heart.

The following morning we lifted a giggling Livvy into the tractor, she drove round and round that field laughing all the way. Her smile lit up right across her face. Both Livvy and the farmer were glowing.

We couldn’t thank the farmer enough but he just smiled in a shy way and disappeared back to his work.

That farmer gave Livvy a wonderful gift but for us it was one of the greatest.

A magical memory.

It is memories like this and the others we hold that keep us connected to Livvy.

They are like strands threaded together to create a rope from heaven to earth.

The invisible bond that will always bind us.

I often think of that sweet farm in Wales and hate that I cannot remember its name. Nameless or not it will always hold a special place in my heart.

I’m so thankful for these memories and I was reminded that I need to create more. My girls are growing up so quickly that before long they will be off to university and into the world on their own. I know I’m not losing them but their childhood is special and I want it to be full of amazing moments that they can remember.

In fact this is the gift I wish for all children.

So I am so grateful for the chat I had on twitter with Coombe Mill Farm and if you fancy a farm holiday they seem a great place to visit. I know I am seriously considering a trip.

Threads of Grace – Booksneeze

Posted on January 26, 2013 by admin

I dived into this book with trepidation as I’m not one to read romantic fiction, I often find them wishy washy and simply for me boring but as the blurb had me interested I decided to step outside my normal type.

Yet Threads of Grace was so different, straight away I was caught up in the story. My heart was beating along with Grace’s. The writing of Kelly Long took me on a journey.

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I was surprised that this was a book about Amish people as really the culture wasn’t explored but I accept as this was one of a series and it may have been explored in earlier books in more detail.

The love story was not intense and in your face it was deep and so much more special. It was heroic and caring, my heart was warmed greatly.

Autism was mentioned in such a positive way that my heart was blessed. It was really lovely to read a positive rather than the usual negative. Grace didn’t just love her child she, Seth and others cherished him.

My only real complaint about this book was the fact I felt it had too many threads.

The sister, the widowed friend, the brother in law and his wife the miscarriage and of course the wicked then repentant uncle. It was hard to stay with the story at times.

Though to be honest if you are after a relaxing read to while away a pleasant afternoon this is a great book for that.

I may venture out of comfort zone more often now.

Desperate – Sarah Mae, Sally Clarkson – Booksneeze

Posted on January 5, 2013 by admin

When the blurb on the book starts with the words “I just cant be a mother today” I knew i needed to read this book and guess what, I was right.

To be honest I have admired the writings of Sarah Mae for a while now, her story at times has been mine and so in her words i often find my heart. So I wasn’t surprised by how great this book is yet not knowing that much about Sally Clarkson i feel that i have been doubly blessed.

This is a book that allows you to be honest in a raw here I am way. Its written in a way that not only encourages you to be transparent but comforts you as you do so.

It isn’t a parenting to do book but a book that holds you in a way that restores your heart.

The first chapter of this book left me in tears, Sarah Mae’s words are so close to my heart that my restraint just fell away. She understands, she knows, she has lived and her honesty about it is so refreshing.

Sally Clarkson is the woman we all wish we had in our life, she doesn’t pretend to have all the answers but will love you as you find them. Her wisdom, her guidance is something I wish all new mothers and older mothers like myself wish they had given to them with their pre-natal vitamins.

I’ve raised four children and at one time had four under five and I’ve been there knee deep in nappies and baby-grows. I’ve also tried and failed to live the life of a perfect mother. This book shows us why, simply there is no such thing as a perfect mother, just a mom who is perfect right there as she is trying her best to raise her children in a home full of love and laughter.

Expectations are the words of the enemy when they cause us to grieve if we cannot reach them. The whisperings in your ears that you aren’t good enough is the voice of the enemy. Ignore them and read this book.

So many books have been written about parenting that after you have read them you are left feeling dismayed and not good enough.That method that should work doesn’t for your child.

This isn’t a fault not everything works for every child.

The simple truth is you know your child, your know what works in your life.

The videos that come alongside at the end of the chapters are such a welcome, as you get to see the respect between Sarah and Sally. To hear them remind you of the chapter and also reiterate that you are loved.

The exercises aren’t hard or hard work but really do help you focus and plan.

Desperate is a parenting book like no other, it is the best friend who calls you to remind you that you are doing an awesome job.

Its the wisdom that guides but not dictates.

Its a blessing

This is seriously a beautiful book, written by two beautiful people.

Happy New Year 2013

Posted on January 2, 2013 by admin

So here we are at the beginning of a new year, a new diary, a new start.

But are we really to believe that anything did change at the striking of the hour.

I believe that change starts in our souls not on any date.

If you get me started i will tell you of my dislike of time and the fact that whole concept is really a man made thing.(but that is another post)

The truth is the date of a calendar shouldn’t be the reason for change, the stirrings of our heart should be.

If we want to lose weight any day can be a day to start.

If we wish to study, start a new hobby don’t let the date hold you back, June 11th is just as good as January 1st.

Time isn’t the motivator desire is.

But the truth is we do all see the start of a new year as a new start and for that reason I wish you all well in your endeavor’s.

May the year 2013 be all you dream it can be,

But please remember if you do fall down, any day of the year can be the one in which you stand up again.

I wish you well.

Happy New Year

Unrepairable

Posted on December 30, 2012 by admin

Losing a child breaks you in a way that can never be repaired.

You hold yourself together by pieces and patches.

Stress and fear becomes your companion. Imagine if your worse fear can come true everything else is a possibility.

People tell me to not to stress to trust but I did once before and I lost my daughter.

It’s so hard to just believe. To allow myself to let go of fear.

I try, I promise I try but sometimes grief is the only emotion I can fight so anxiety, fear and panic slip in under the radar.

I make myself promise
I’m not going to care as much
I’m going to switch off more
Take a step back from situations that really don’t effect me.

But I don’t, my heart engages before my head.

Life is complicated full of ups and downs and some how I need to learn how to go with the flow.

Any ideas, any suggestions all are welcome, I need 2013 to be the year I take control of my heart.

Pieces of Silver

Posted on December 15, 2012 by admin

I took my necklaces off tonight.

They aren’t just any old necklaces they were my heart wrapped up in pieces of silver.

My cross baring an open dedication of my faith and the chain also holding Livvys ring, that tiny little ring full of memories and giggles. Taking us back to that jewellers in Tenby and certain stubborn young lady knowing which one she wanted and the giggles as she stuck her hand up for any stranger than walked by as if to say , look at my new ring.

My portrait of Livvy immortalised in a silver charm, my dog tag of identity Livvy’s mom

As I said two special necklaces.

But tonight I felt the need to lay them safe for a while in the jewellery box.

Livvys ring is starting to wear from the constant use and the questions of “is that your daughter ” are starting to wear at my soul.

Yes that is my daughter and yes I miss her desperately but you know what I’m a mom to four amazing daughters.

I want to celebrate in this. In their own individual crazy way these beautiful girls are the light of my life. The essence of my heart.

I have to stop the grief from holding me in the past and allow myself to embrace the future.

The truth is I don’t need a chain or a portrait to carry Livvy with me she is in every breathe that I take, in every beat of my heart just like her sisters,all four of them.

A mothers love has no bounds.