Today my daughter should be 14.

Posted on May 4, 2013 by admin

Today you would have been 14.

We would be all gathered together as a family to celebrate your special day. Spoiling you with attention and of course lots of gifts.

Yet we can’t.

Instead there will be an empty place at the table and all that we have to hold on to are our memories.

Each with a moment,

a memory, a gift that we cherish.

I confess I’m angry that I can only visit your grave today.

That I cannot hold your hand or stroke your beautiful blond hair. To twist one of those cute little curls around my finger.

To hold you close and share those light butterfly kisses.

It hurts,

I want to sing happy birthday to you and get to watch your eyes shine with laughter.

I want to watch you rip off the paper from your presents with impatience and excitement.

14 years old

I often wonder what you look like now.

How have you aged?

Is your hair still as curly as it was or has in grown down long and straight.

I wonder what you would have enjoyed if you were here, would you be a one direction fan? knowing you It would more likely be Paramour or the script. You loved the beat of rock music. Guns n roses were your favourite.

I can imagine you in band tops joining me in the love of anything gothic.

How I wish , how I wonder.

Its breaking my heart today, you should be here blowing out your candles. Trying to grab the biggest piece of cake. Loving all the attention this special day brings.

I know you would be cross at my sadness,

But my beautiful girl I miss you so much.

I’m angry that I have only had 9 of the 14 years.

Losing you is a pain like no other, a knife in my heart forever being twisted deeper.

I take your balloons, your flowers to your grave and the knife goes deeper.

But I think of you dear Olivia, I remember your courage your true audacity to never give in.

I close my eyes and hear you whisper on the wind.

I’m here mom, I’m playing with the balloons and smelling the flowers.

I’m here mom, by your side everyday.

Dry those tears mom, listen to my laughter as it carries on the breeze,

Feel my love wrap around you in the warmth of the sun.

I’m not gone, I’m just out of sight for a while.

Hold on mom, please hold on to my spirit and my strength.

I close my eyes

I feel you in the sun and I wrap myself up in the breeze.

You are my heart and as long as it beats you are with me.

I miss you sweet Olivia.

Happy heavenly birthday

14 today,

I love you to the moon stars and back again xxxxx

Written in the sand.

Posted on July 26, 2012 by admin

Sometimes I find myself wondering if the world has moved too far forward.

If Livvy is a part of the past that is being forgotten.

Will she become one of the distant memories that only hang on in the edge of your mind.

I watch my girls living life and wonder if they remember their mischevious little sister and how life was when she was with us.

Today was one of those moments as I sat on the beach watching the world go by, just wondering.

Then my daughter called me over and showed me this.

How foolish am I?

Livvy will never be forgotten while there is breathe left in ones that love her.

Time passes,

Memories fade

but love is eternal

Forgotten

Posted on July 11, 2012 by admin

OH my dear beautiful girl I have forgotten….

What you taught us on those endless hospital nights, when the wards seemed empty and all I could hear was the infernal beeping of those annoying but lifesaving machines and the gentle beating of your precious heart.

I’ve forgotten what I saw in those doctors eyes when the words they spoke were taking away all our tomorrows.

I’ve forgotten

I close my eyes and try to remember, to just hear those sweet infectious giggles once again.

But I’ve forgotten.

Dad and I are tumbling head first into the world of forgetfulness, losing hold of the life that you taught us to live.

Forgetting to search for the gift that each day brings, the moment when that forever memory can be made.

I’ve forgotten

We’ve forgotten

Letting ourselves fall into the endless bog of circumstance and reality.

Forgetting to dance under the rainbows and search for leprechauns with a pots of gold.

Forgotten.

Those days of random dances in the middle of a store because the song we loved was playing over the radio.

To smile at people in the street as you chuckled away from your wheelchair.

To hug each other so tight until we cannot breathe anymore.

We’ve forgotten

When was the last time I laid back and watched the clouds

When was the last time I tickled your sisters until they cried.

My baby, my precious baby, I’ve forgotten.

I’ve let the anger of loss slowly eat away at my heart.

Getting colder and colder until the icicles formed.

Ive forgotten

To let the tears just fall and let the heart wrenching sobs escape my soul.

I need to breathe again

I need to trust again.

But I’ve forgotten

We knew we didn’t have forever but we had today and that was enough, but now yesterday seems so far away and this moment isn’t enough.

I want to dance in the rain again

Catch fairies as they fly through the air

I want to breathe so deep and not feel the ache thats buried there

I haven’t forgotten

How can things be the same?

How can the world keep on turning and why wont it stop and let me off?

The newspapers keep on printing and the radio keeps on playing.

You taught us all so much and in those nine precious years you gave a lifetime full of love.

Joy was a gift that was available to us, all we just had to do was unwrap this present they call life.

Whose knows what tomorrow may bring, I certainly don’t

But I can live for today.

I can tell everyone I meet how special they are

How wonderful it is that I’ve met them

That they are not forgotten

Just by being in your presence people felt love, your smile could make someone’s day.

I want to tell people to embrace the moment, not in a morbid you may die tomorrow way, but in a hey today is so beautiful way.

Our motto for you was Never say never

You defied the odds until our luck ran out

But you are the gift that keeps on giving

You are the heart that now beats in others.

Your love lives on in me, you dad, your sisters and anyone who knew and loved you.

I miss my old life so desperately

But I will not forget what you taught me

Each day is a gift a new beginning

So I’m going to start unwrapping the presents that I’ve been given

Stop wishing the days away

Stop holding on to the past

I’ve not forgotten

How can I forget,

You are right here in my heart reminding me.

In my heart.

I was a brave mommy

Posted on June 12, 2012 by admin

I kept my promise, I didn’t let the tears fall until the coach turned the corner. I was a brave mommy and she was a brave daughter.

Brave mommy & Daughter

I could only smile sweetly to the other parents as I walked to car, no words would form on my lips.

I know it’s silly, it’s a school trip for goodness sake. A chance for fun laughter and adventure. I hope it’s filled with all of these and so much more and friendships that will bind for a lifetime, but I’m going to miss her like crazy.

She isn’t my baby anymore, at 11 she is nearing those teenage years but like her sisters before her, she will always be my baby, they all are.

Growing up

Yet this sweet one is my last born, no more rocking newborns through the night.

No more sweet toddler kisses.

She is growing up and way to soon for this mommy’s heart.

This school term is her final at primary, September will see her join her big sisters in the world of senior school. She is nervously excited, I am nervously sick.

She is now an ocean away, out of this country out of my reach.

I know it’s only five days, but right now it’s five days to many.

I’ve sat here watching the Disney channel, laughing at Austin and Ally pretending she is on the sofa next to me.

Crazy isn’t it. Sad, well maybe a little.

Her big sisters are offering extra hugs partly to ease my pain and partly due their missing of their little sister.

At times she drives them insane but they are so protective over her. They are missing her dry humour but not her tell tales.

I am fighting not to wish the week away, to enjoy the events I have planned but it’s hard.

I’m a typical mother hen needing her brood around her, I hate it when they go away but still I want them all to experience all the adventures that life has to offer.

So for Brodie I am praying she has an amazing time in France, enjoys the adventure sports and the sunshine but for myself I am praying for a week that flies by. Staying busy and staying occupied and maybe that means more Disney channel.

Am I still part of this tribe?

Posted on May 19, 2012 by admin

I’ve been feeling lost the last few months. The groups, tribes I belong to are changing and in doing so is my identity.

Who am I?

9 years ago I entered a group I wasn’t prepared for.

One that scared me.
One I didn’t want to enter.

I entered the world of Rett syndrome.

Yet being part of this world brought me fear an pain but it also blessed me with friendships and faith.

I was mom who found herself lost in an unknown world.

Yet by being lost I got found.

By being scared I found courage.

And In weakness I found my strength.

Together with my family we faced moments that took our breathe away with joy, but also moments that broke our heart with pain.

Yet as a member of this tribe I belonged.

Now I don’t !

It is said once a Rett mom always a Rett mom but is that true?

A community that I belonged whole hearted to, seems to be moving on without me.

Of course my friends are still my friends, but do I really walk alongside them anymore?

I just don’t know!

Can you stay part of a group if life changes.

I don’t know,

While my heart and soul prays desperately and faithfully for the cure of Rett syndrome, my heart aches that it’s to late for Livvy.

Is this evil of me?

I think it’s this that is tearing me up inside If I’m honest.

The barriers I’m forming may be built on the fact that I hate that I feel this way.

It’s not that I begrudge the cure gosh NO. I sincerely pray and hope to see all released from the torture of Rett syndrome and will continue to do all that I can to make this cure happen.

I’m just angry it’s too late for Livvy.

I’m cross that I’m not part of this group anymore.

I’m missing my baby and my life as her mother.

Where do I belong now?

Teenager in Heaven

Posted on May 7, 2012 by admin

On Saturday my beautiful angel would have turned thirteen.

Thirteen a right of passage into the world of the teenager.

I wonder what she would have been like at thirteen, would she have been full of hormones and drama like her sisters.

How would she have aged, would those adorable blond curls start to straighten, her blue eyes widen.

Im not sure how to feel, as we put up her cards and her special balloon.

I’m sad and angry all in one moment and so very lost.

We had a family meal Alan, I and the girls, just sitting and sharing our memories, so sweet, so bitter sweet.

We had balloons to release with messages to heaven. Ribbons to tie on the tree at her special place.

So many flowers adorn her grave, so much love, so much pain.

How do we go on? It’s a question I wonder everyday

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

Time is supposed to heal, I’m not sure that’s the truth. I feel that maybe in time you learn to the handle the pain easier, develop a higher threshold.

Livvy was an amazing young lady who blessed our life for nine and a half years. It wasn’t enough. Is it ever enough?

My heart aches to hold my sweet daughter once again. I hope dear Livvy you are causing chaos in heaven. May my grandparents be holding you close and have brushed your sweet cheeks with birthday kisses. Im saving all mine up until that blessed day when we are reunited.

I do have so much to be thankful for, three amazing daughters who bless my life each day. Who make me so proud with their kindness and caring well beyond their years.

They too miss Livvy desperately but together we have made a pact. We are going to live life like Livvy did. With courage, strength and joy and most of all with love and hope.

Our family may have one member in heaven but we are still a family.

I should be happy

Posted on September 13, 2011 by admin

I should be happy the children are back at school. I should be enjoying my new freedom. I have time to do my chores, my living room stays tidy for more than 10 minutes. I can make a phone call without stopping numerous times to ask for quiet.

So what’s the matter with me? Why aren’t I excited?

It’s simple the more time I’m left alone with my own mind the more dangerous my thoughts become.

I’m not talking depression or crazy things it’s just the quietness reminds me of what’s lost. The empty spot inside my heart that can never be filled. The child missing from the summer photos. The lost of Livvy is sometimes to hard to bear that the silence feels like weighted blocks adding to my already bending shoulders.

I thrive in the company of my children, their smiles lift the darkness moods, even their bickering keeps me busy. I love being surrounded by them, caring for them gosh even cleaning up after them.

My joy is to be found in their smiles, my happiness is found in their laughter.

It’s not a case of my girls being a substitute for Livvy no one could ever replace her also the love I have for Livvy is the same that I feel for Kennedy, Eden, Brodie. I have no favourite they are all my favourites.

My children are blessings from God, they occupy my mind and my heart and make me feel whole.

Find Madeleine

Posted on May 10, 2011 by admin

After reading the news coverage of Kate McCann book my mind has been on overdrive

As a parent who has lost a child I can relate to the pain and anguish she is going through.

Yet in a way I am lucky!

I know without a doubt that Livvy is in a better place free from harm free from pain. Yet Kate and her family do not have this comfort.

I cannot imagine the horrors of her mind. As a mother I cannot and don’t want to comprehend the fear she must feel.

Little Madeleine McCann was taken as she slept from a hotel room in Portugal four years ago and after endless media campaigns, private detectives we still are no further forward into knowing what happened that fateful night.

So many opinions, so many accusations but only the kidnapper knows the truth.

Kate McCann’s book is a book of hope. Hope that it will prick a memory in someone’s mind. That it will bring publicity to Madeleine’s disappearance again. It is also in Kate’s honest opinion a way to raise money for the fund which has continued the search for Madeleine when the authorities stopped.

I know many have different views on Kate and Gary McCann.
Maybe you would have done things differently? I’m sure now they too would, but hindsight is an amazing thing. For me I believe they wouldn’t have left their children in a place they didn’t believe was safe. I mean who would?

My heart bleeds for this family and Madeleine along with all missing children are in my prayers.

Kate McCann’s book is available on May 12^th, in all good book shops,internet sites and supermarkets.

More information on how to help the Madeleine McCann fund can be found on their website here. http://www.findmadeleine.com/index.html

Please pray for this family and for all others missing their
loved ones.

More information on missing children can be found
here. MISSING PEOPLE

http://www.missingpeople.org.uk/

What do you say???

Posted on March 2, 2011 by admin

What do you say to a little girl who doesn’t want her tenth birthday to come?

It isn’t right, she should be full of excitement as she enters double figures. Yet all she can think of is that her big sister didn’t live to ten.

Her head is full of questions she is struggling to answer. To be honest I have no answers.

Will Livvy still be my big sister when I’m ten?

Why didn’t Livvy get to ten?

I tell her of heavenly birthday parties with as much cake as you could ever imagine. I remind her of Livvy’s freedom of the awful evilness of Rett syndrome, how her heavenly birthdays are free from seizures and pain.

Comfort is little for a little girl who misses her big sister so much. Talking about her today she told that me that sometimes it hurts to breathe, hurts to remember. How I know those feelings!

Yet I don’t want them for my nearly ten year old. I want the only thing to be worrying her about her birthday is what outfit to wear.

Part of me wishes I could take her away, throw her a big party but the reality of life and bills to pay don’t allow me to do this.

I just have to pray that my hugs, my love will be enough to make a hard day the special day it should be.

Sometimes……

Posted on February 21, 2011 by admin

Sometimes ,Enough is enough

Sometimes.,I don’t want to play nice

Sometimes,It hurts

Sometimes,The pain nearly destroys me

Sometimes,I want to give up

Sometimes,I need to fight

Sometimes,I get frustrated that you can’t understand

Sometimes ,I would never wish you this pain

Sometimes ,It feels like a beginning

Sometimes, It feels like the end

Sometimes, It’s the missing

Sometimes, It’s the loss

Sometimes life makes sense

Sometimes, it doesn’t

Sometimes, I trust

Sometimes, I lose faith

Always I love you.

Grief is a funny thing and for me it’s been a journey of emotions. Three steps forward five back.

I go from happy to sad quicker than any sports car.

People ask what is it that makes me sad? How can you explain it? Unless you are there with me you can’t understand.

I don’t want people to understand I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

For me I get the added element of guilt in my grief. My daughter suffered from a devastating condition that caused her daily pain. Yet I wish her back to this life. What kind of mother am I?

I get frustrated with people who see me moving forward doing things, fostering, laughing with my children then say something like “. You’ve done well to get over it”.

What!!! Get over losing my child, be real. You never get over it you learn to hide the pain, to live life the best you can with that broken piece of your heart missing.

I spoke to another bereaved mother and was also reading get words and again was filled with guilt. How could I be grateful that she really understood my pain as understanding means feeling it.

The desire to run away from the world. The overwhelming urge to save our other children from any pain, having they suffered enough already.

I get frustrated with myself when I can’t be a good friend. Well people turn to me for comfort and I just feel like saying “is that all you’ve got to worry about”. This isn’t who I want to be, yet sometimes people take what they have for granted.

It’s been over two years since Livvy died and some days the pain feels so raw it feels like only yesterday.

I am moving forward yet i refuse to leave my daughter behind. She is with me in everything I do.

I am who I am due to my children. I can’t explain, measure my love for them. From the very first moment my daughter was laid in my arms I knew i was meant to be a mother. The greatest job in the world.

I will always be a mom of four daughters.

Sometimes this has to be enough.

Sometimes it’s one day and a time.

Sometimes faith keeps me strong.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

Always I have Hope.

We will be together again.