One of those moments

You know those moments when you pass on words of wisdom to your children only to find out later that they got it so very wrong.

Well a couple of weeks ago my youngest came home from school in tears an annoying boy had taken to looking at her waiting for her to look at him just to say “what you looking at”.

Now of course first we tried the just ignore him tactics and the don’t look his way ones too, but nothing was working and it was making her life miserable.

It was such as shame as senior school is hard enough without annoying boys. I mean she has all of her marriage to put up with that.

So my husband had enough of this boy and simply told her the next time he asked her “what you looking at” she should answer with the words and the old favourite “I don’t know they don’t label crap”.

Well anyway cue us sitting up the dinner table last night when Brodie told us that she had shut the boy up with what dad had told her to say. Of course we were pleased but then she continued with the words “he looked a little confused”.

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What could be confusing about the statement?

So we asked Brodie what she had actually said.

She explained that when the boy said his usual “what you looking at” she had replied with.

” I don’t know, i don’t look at things that aren’t labelled” and then she added “you need to get yourself labelled “

Of course once we had picked up ourselves off the floor in hysterics we kindly explained where she had gone wrong.

Anyway the boy left her alone, confused maybe or frightened whichever one it worked.

Memories in the making.

Sixteen Years

Today I celebrate 16 years of marriage.

 

16 years ago I married a gorgeous man I get to call mine.

 

Its been a turbulent 16 years, we have experienced incredible highs alongside some devastating lows.

 

Love has been shared with pain

 

Laughter lost to tears.

 

Life has tested us in so many ways, but together we have passed with distinction.

 

When we first met so many people said we wouldn’t last,

 

We are so different,

 

Yet at our core we are so very alike.

 

We love with all our hearts

 

Our children are our world

 

and loyalty has no ends.

 

I know without a doubt how blessed I am to have Alan as my husband.

 

God gave me a great gift in him.

 

I don’t know what the future holds

 

But I do know that Alan and I will face it together.

 

Today, tomorrow, forever

 

Alan I love you.xx

I don’t care what people say.

I don’t care what people say it doesn’t get easier. Time doesn’t heal. The pain doesn’t lessen. The only thing that changes is the way you cope with the anguish.

You train your mind to move elsewhere have an arsenal of thoughts, ideas to distract you from the deep burning ache within your soul. The tear across your heart that hurts so bad.

Just tonight I found myself chancing across a photo
I hadn’t seen for a while and my heart broke again into a million pieces.

Its strange that only earlier today i was talking about the need to keep my mind occupied that any down time leaves space for the memories to come flooding in. The fact is I don’t need space, my daughter is in every thought,every breath I take.

In a few hours I will take flowers to her grave. I will stand there feeling empty and broken. The flowers are all that I can do, keeping her resting place pretty. I don’t believe she is there anymore yet I need it to be pretty.

Then on Sunday I will pack for my holiday still feeling the emptiness of her missing. Going through the motions knowing that nothing will ever be complete again. Nothing is how it truly should be.

I don’t live it the past, as I’ve said before that wouldn’t be fair on my other girls. What I will say is I live in the now, in the future aware a piece of me is missing.

Somedays I pretend. I convince myself she is at school. It’s easier when the girls aren’t with me but when we are all together the pretence doesn’t hold.

I sound depressing don’t I. I really don’t mean to. I’m not this way. It’s just those moments when my resolve crumbles and I break. I’m angry at the world and life is pretty dim. I let the tears fall and the grief loose out of soul. Then ten maybe twenty minutes later before the girls see my tears I pull myself together and carry on. What choice do I have really.

I’ve said before I still find it hard to believe that your heart can break but your body carries on. At times against your will.

So this post has been written in one of those broken ten minutes. The tears are falling and my heart is aching. Soon it will be time for me to pull myself together but as the girls are safely tucked away in bed. I may just let myself be for a while. Drop the act, scream at God and just generally grieve for my beautiful daughter Livvy who left to soon.

For those who say time heals that’s the biggest lie. Time just means more time without the one you love.

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