As we head towards mother’s day most of us are thinking about our mothers being a mother and the general role of motherhood. Having children is one of those amazing, wonderful experiences that bring so much joy and fulfilment yet for me I confess I find it completely scary and totally frightening.
From the moment I knew I was pregnant the fear for my child struck, was I eating the right food, wearing the right shoes, walking the right way. This tiny life growing inside me was the most precious thing in the whole word looking back I really feel for my husband it was at this point that he alone stopped being my world.
God blessed me with four amazing daughters and each day I am grateful for this but many times I feel unworthy of such honour and responsibility. Nothing prepares you for the immense feeling of protection you have towards your children. You would do all that you could to keep them safe, keep them happy.
I have to admit I love being a mom, I never believed that I would. I imagined I would get bored and downtrodden by the daily demands. Yet for me the reality is far from it, I love it. Even the boring things like ironing school uniforms I love knowing they are going to look smart the next day. Don’t get me wrong if I could get out of housework and laundry I would but come on I’m human after all.
As we approach mothering Sunday my heart is full of pain, instead of looking forward to celebrating motherhood I feel like I have failed.
One of my daughters won’t be with me on this special day, I couldn’t keep her safe, protect her from the evilness of Rett Syndrome. This is what consumes my mind.
I miss Livvy so much that each day I fight a battle not to allow the pain to consume me completely. I wake up and just like my makeup I apply the big fake smile to get me through the day. I want my girls to know that it’s ok to be happy again to feel joy experience laughter as this is what Livvy would want for us all.
Yet I cannot shake the feeling of loss the feeling of” if only”.
My heart aches my soul cries out for my missing baby yet I have to pretend for my other three, they need a mother who is happy and excited by their special cards and handmade gifts. That’s what being a mom is at times. The smile that hides the pain, I’m sure most of us have had to do this in life, bills are worrying us, family problems yet we smile and hide the pain the worry from our children.
As you see there is a lot to being a parent and it’s these moments that frighten me, all I can do is pray that I’m being the best that I can be.